Open Letter from John Cleese - DPChallenge Forums

Nikon AF-S NIKKOR 70-200mm f/2.8G ED VR II

08/09/2005 05:58:30 PM · #1

BRITS REVOKE USA INDEPENDENCE
(A Message from John Cleese To the citizens of the United States of America):
"In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown

Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
look up aluminum, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be
reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.'
Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the
letters, and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up vocabulary).

Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer
at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as
beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play
English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in
Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears
removed with a cheese grater.

You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of
America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond
your borders, your error is understandable.

You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
monies due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation

John Cleese

Note: I have no idea if this was written by Cleese(I doubt it but I thought it was kinda funny)

naomik

Nikon D800

08/09/2005 06:11:33 PM · #2

It's hilarious...thanks for posting it. Is there a comeback from the Americans?

rex

Canon PowerShot SD780

08/09/2005 06:17:30 PM · #3

wasn't this posted twice already somewhere in these forums?

And Tony Blair how is he any better than Bush.

Technically he is Bush's Beooootch!

:-)

Message edited by author 2005-08-09 18:18:21.

Chiqui

Olympus OM-D E-M1 Mark II

Olympus 12-40mm f/2.8 Pro

08/09/2005 06:22:36 PM · #4

.........and to think I'm marrying into that......

ROFL

June

2Shay

Nikon Z7 FX

Nikon AF-S DX Zoom-Nikkor 18-70mm f/3.5-4.5G IF-ED

08/09/2005 06:26:36 PM · #5

I think this was posted a week or so ago. It actually wasn't written or delivered by John Cleese. See the Snopes article below:

Snopes Revocation Article

GeneralE

Canon PowerShot S3 IS

Canon 12x IS USM (S3 IS built-in Lens) -- 36-432mm (35mm EQ)

08/09/2005 06:29:43 PM · #6

Baseball is played (well) outside of the US, even if we don't invite them to participate in the World Series. However, I hear there's plans afoot for a baseball version of the World Cup.

Cricket is likewise restricted to (former) members of the Commonwealth, so I'd say the Brits have their own parochialism to deal with.

metoecus

Canon EOS-10D

Canon EF 24-70mm f/2.8L USM

08/09/2005 06:32:23 PM · #7

pawdrix, thanks for posting this. I haven't laughed that loud in quite awhile.

Refer to the full text here and the various rebuttals here and here.

Edit: remembered my manners and properly thanked pawdrix for his post.

Message edited by author 2005-08-09 18:44:13.

jbsmithana

Nikon D300

Nikon AF-S DX Zoom-Nikkor 12-24mm f/4.0G IF-ED

08/09/2005 06:37:58 PM · #8

Hilarious - even the second time around. I remember seeing this some time ago. Still funny and yes Blair is just as culpable but it does not make this any less funny.

oOWonderBreadOo

Canon EOS-5D

Canon EF 16-35mm f/2.8L USM

08/09/2005 06:39:26 PM · #9

that was like so funny- you know? :0)
(excepting the fact that Andi MacDowell played an american in four weddings & a funeral of course...)

08/09/2005 07:00:57 PM · #10

Sorry if it was posted before but I also hope that people don't take this kinda humor so seriously or to the detail. Oy Vey!!!

I thought there were a few pearls of humor in there for sure.

I admit, I did think it sounded like Cleese but then again, ALL you Brits sound alike. ;)

Canon EF 70-200mm f/2.8L IS USM

08/09/2005 07:03:22 PM · #11

Originally posted by chiqui74:

.........and to think I'm marrying into that......
ROFL

June

...you knew you were getting the worst of it, the minute you said. Yes!!!

Just keep yer chin up.

Message edited by author 2005-08-09 19:03:46.

rex

Canon PowerShot SD780

08/09/2005 07:06:05 PM · #12

Originally posted by pawdrix:

Sorry if it was posted before but I also hope that people don't take this kinda humor so seriously or to the detail. Oy Vey!!!

Not taken seriously I was just being short and trying to be funny abut Blair being Bush's Beeotch.....hence the :-)

bod

08/09/2005 07:16:38 PM · #13

Originally posted by GeneralE:

Cricket is likewise restricted to (former) members of the Commonwealth

Pretty much the rest of the world then :P

Message edited by author 2005-08-09 19:52:16.

Mick

Canon EOS-5D

08/09/2005 07:17:40 PM · #14

Wow, we have lots of queens in the US, but we don't let them run the country. The fact that you guys do explains a lot. Sorry, but we'll pass.