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DPChallenge Forums >> General Discussion >> would you recommend an aids/hiv test...
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 12/15/2006 12:09:46 PM · #1
assume this situation:

your spouse, the biological parent of your children, discovers that you've been stepping out for the past few years and confronts you. you can't deny it. before you can do anything, though, your spouse contacts the spouse of the person you've been stepping out with. when your lover is confronted by their spouse, your lover admits to having at least one other lover at the same time. this is communicated to your spouse, who in turn informs you that your lover has also been stepping out on you. so, not only are you in danger of losing your spouse, but you're also going to lose your lover. what a sad state of affairs, when you can't trust the one you've been cheating with...

considering this situation, would you get yourself tested for aids/hiv?

and, even if you are lucky enough not to have contracted anything, what type of punishment do you think you deserve? should there be any strings attached to a second chance? or, what if this was already the second time you had been caught?

this is all hypothetical, but you never know when it might happen to someone you know...
 12/15/2006 12:13:26 PM · #2
I would. I have HIV (which I got from my mother when I was born) and think that it is important to get tested. Especially if the person this person has been cheating with has been cheating with other people as well.
 12/15/2006 12:20:57 PM · #3
not a fun hypothetical....(and I hope it is a hypothetical)
But definately suggests getting tested. I did when I found out my spouse (now-EX) fathered a child.

I gave no second chance! But each situation is different.
 12/15/2006 12:24:06 PM · #4
Hell yes to getting tested. Never trust anyone to your own sexual health.

As for the consequences, if this happened to me I'd expect the worst and hope for the best. I'd expect that I'd have to be 100% responsible for my actions to get a second chance and this includes taking everything my spouse feels neccessary as punishment.

If I got caught a second time? I'd expect it to be finished. Hypothetically. ;)
 12/15/2006 12:24:35 PM · #5
I would, only because because there is another person involved, who was not part of the original hypothetical situation.
 12/15/2006 12:31:40 PM · #6
yes test(I'm a doc) chances are astronomically low it would have been contracted but ya cant risk it. As for the other question, if the person has stepped out twice(or just caught twice?) Isn't it time to call it quits anyway?
 12/15/2006 12:32:01 PM · #7
Of course he should be tested! Never forget that as far as STD's are concerned one is having sex with everyone in the partner's past sexual history.
 12/15/2006 01:09:36 PM · #8
Yes, and not just for HIV, but for other STD's as well. Then I'd ask the doc for a referral for a good marriage counselor as well, that is, if we were still on speaking terms after that. And if it's the second time caught, I'd ask the doc if he knows any good divorce lawyers.
 12/15/2006 01:30:46 PM · #9
Yes have the test. Part of the punishment is for the next six months you are going to have to worry until you get the next HIV test. It best to takes two tests, six months apart without any sexual relations to determine for sure you don’t have the HIV virus. Your spouse needs to be tested as well if you have had sexual relations with her since you have stepped out. She also will have that agonizing six-month wait till the second test results are in. As posted above, get checked for all STD’s.

I once had a co-worker that had a one-night thing and told me about it the day after. In his words he said she was not the kind of woman you would take home to mother, suggesting she had been around the block more times than the trash truck. He was very paranoid and asked should he have a test I told him yes. He went to the doctor and had the test run and the doctor told him he needed to have another done in six months because the virus may not show up when first contacted. He had the test done again six months later and he did not have HIV. But I thought he was going to have a nervous breakdown between the first and second test. He could not take the waiting.

As far the spouse giving you second chance – that will be up to him/her. You know they are going to be thinking if I hadn’t caught him/her they would still be stepping around. They also are going to have thoughts of ‘was this the first time?’ ‘Will they do it again?’ and so on. Not to mention you have put your spouse and children in a bad situation with no regards toward the welfare of your family.

12/15/2006 01:45:30 PM · #10
I'd give a second chance, if i thought the situation warranted it. But you're darn straight i'd want every test in the book, and no unprotected sex (if any at all) for the next 6 months. And counseling on top of that. And if your spouse checks up on you for the next ten years, it's your own fault.

I'm all for responsible non-monogamy, btw, but that means everyone consents and everyone discloses. If you're going to cheat, why bother to get married?
 12/15/2006 01:58:58 PM · #11
wow.

If I was cheating and my spouse found out. Yes I would get tested and I would assume my spouse would too! (This happened when my father stepped out on my mother)

Should he take me back...hhmm. I'm going to have to look at this as reverse....would "I" take them back if I found out they had been stepping out on me for a couple of years.....most likely not....there would be several different determining factors. I do believe there are instances where a 2nd chance can work....but it takes time, work, and counseling to figure how it got to that point in the first place...and of course this takes two very willing people.

But if my spouse was like "No to counseling"....then I would walk with no questions asked.

(ETA: attempting to spell check :)

Message edited by author 2006-12-15 14:02:11.
 12/15/2006 01:59:07 PM · #12
I have a hard time understanding how anyone in this day and age can have unprotected sex with someone else than their steady partner.
A person that has unprotected sex with someone other than their steady sex partner and that lover has been having sex with more than one partner - a test is the only responsible step to take. If the person does not take the test, he or she should have protected sex with spouse or lover or anyone else = behave as if you have HIV.
HIV is not something you can get rid of. There is medicine that helps you to live with HIV, but not all persons can take the medicine, their body reacts in a fierce way and we have no way of knowing how the virus reacts in the long run.
If you are not monogamous or you know or suspect your lover of not being monogamous ... have safe sex.
Edit: You do not have to refrain from sex untill you are sure, just make sure you have safe sex.

Message edited by author 2006-12-15 14:00:21.
 12/15/2006 02:09:29 PM · #13
tested? yes, definitely.

punishment? i have no idea.
 12/15/2006 02:11:53 PM · #14
It's usually a good assumption that if someone is cheating WITH you, they are also cheating ON you.
 12/15/2006 02:24:28 PM · #15
i'll give my answer in the form of a 12 step program :

step 1) quit having sex with people you can't trust
step 2) quit having sex with people other than your spouse
step 3) quit having sex
step 4) get tested
step 5) beg forgiveness from God
step 7) seek professional counseling
step 8) accept forgiveness from God
step 9) beg forgiveness from spouse
step 10*) accept physical beating from a small group of male friends/relatives
step 11) accept forgiveness from friends/relatives
step 12) accept forgiveness from spouse (you can now have sex again...)

if step 12 doesn't come, no more sex for you

* this step will be slightly modified if the cheater is female, but being male, i'm not sure how it should work... probably involve a lot of tea and crying and such...
 12/15/2006 02:28:18 PM · #16
Originally posted by GuGi:
I have a hard time understanding how anyone in this day and age can have unprotected sex with someone else than their steady partner.
A person that has unprotected sex with someone other than their steady sex partner and that lover has been having sex with more than one partner - a test is the only responsible step to take.

I'd say take this a step further. I don't care whether it was protected sex or not. Protection is never 100%. Condoms fail. It's even possible for them to fail and one not know.

If one is sexually active and non-monogamous, one SHOULD get tested on a regular basis. Consult a doctor for what 'a regular basis' means for you.
 12/15/2006 02:37:08 PM · #17
Hypothetically speaking, so how about a GTG in Vegas, ladies.

Yeah get tested for HIV and all kids of fun stuff you'll find out there on the Dark Side.

Figure out why you stepped out and be realistic about the odds of you doing it again.

Cheers.

12/15/2006 02:51:21 PM · #18
Definitely I would say that in this situation, testing would be a definite!

12/15/2006 02:57:56 PM · #19
Yes, a test is a good thing.

As to the rest of it. I only have this to say: if you don't learn from the past, you are doomed to repeat it...and repeat it...and repeat it.

and/or...

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

Ingrid

12/15/2006 03:05:15 PM · #20
Hypothetically, everyone in a situation like the hypothetical situation described should hypothetically be tested for any and everything under the sun. Also hypothetically, I'd take a good, long look into what the root cause was that would make the hypothetical person stray to begin with. Hypothetically.
 12/15/2006 03:34:34 PM · #21
Originally posted by jemison:
Of course he should be tested! Never forget that as far as STD's are concerned one is having sex with everyone in the partner's past sexual history.


Odd how you and others have assumed that in this hypothetical situation the cheater is male.
12/15/2006 04:31:33 PM · #22
Originally posted by spydr:
Originally posted by jemison:
Of course he should be tested! Never forget that as far as STD's are concerned one is having sex with everyone in the partner's past sexual history.


Odd how you and others have assumed that in this hypothetical situation the cheater is male.


Well, since he addressed the hypothetical person as "you" and since I am a male it followed that I should deal with it hypothetically as if I was a male. I put it in the third person so as not to personalize it.

Of course I could have said something like he/she, but it seemed to be awkward and unnecessary. I think that we are all open minded enough to easily understand that the situation and solution are non gender-specific, aren't we?
 12/15/2006 04:36:48 PM · #23
Tested: Yes, absolutely.

Punishment: Is it really something to be punished for or a symptom of an unhealthy relationship that needs work? In any case, I would think that having to wait for test #2 in 6 months would be punishment enough.
 12/15/2006 05:42:39 PM · #24
Definitely get tested!!! Always better to be safe instead of sorry.

As for punishment.....both people have already been "punished" enough. A relationship isn't a tally sheet or a score card, something that I've learned the hard way from both ends. Yes, there need to be apologies (sincere) and responsibility taken---but NOT blame placed (in my opinion). If you want to end the relationship, the best way to do it is place only blame. If you want to save it, I would recommend counseling, communication, patience, and forgiveness. What Spazmo said is totally true. I think most of the time it's the result of some symptoms of an unhealthy relationship. You can't fix the feelings of being hurt by cheating until you fix the relationship--which is hard enough to do when there's cheating involved without adding extra heaping amounts of guilt.

Basically, at a time like this, if two people want to stay together, then they need to do everything possible to try and welcome each other back into their lives, to be drawn closer---not pushed apart by blame, fear, doubt, punishment, and further guilt.
 12/15/2006 05:57:35 PM · #25
while it's actually very difficult to contract HIV, you shouldn't even be asking about being tested. You should've gone and got tested the day before even wondering about getting tested. To contract HIV, you have to have really rough sex or pretty much rub two open wounds together, it's a very fragile virus and can't survive in oxygen (anaerobe). If the person was smart enough to cheat, but use a condom (which is rarely the case) the chances are even smaller.

However, this person could have easily contracted Hepatitis, or an STD. To get hepatitis, someone with HEP could spit on the crack of the sidewalk, rub dirt on it and then 2 years later you could come, touch it with you finger then rub you eye, and BAM! You have Hepatitis.
Just a fun example, but true nonetheless.

GET TESTED!...by the way, if you wondering how I know all this, I've been interning at a Dental clinic in San Francisco, where about 40% of the patients have HIV, men and women alike. You shouldn't even have to ask...
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