Another joke - DPChallenge Forums

Samsung Galaxy S21, S21+, S21 Ultra

01/22/2006 02:07:25 PM · #1

It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations." He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SHIT!" said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean the senior center...

Bear_Music

Sony 24-70mm F4 Vario-Tessar T* FE OSS

01/22/2006 02:23:39 PM · #2

hahaha!

R.

Tallbloke

Canon EOS-350D Rebel XT

Canon EF 28-135mm F/3.5-5.6 IS USM

01/22/2006 02:34:41 PM · #3

A man goes to a zoo, he pays his money but when he gets in the only animal there is a small dog

It was a shitzu

;-)

Steve

01/23/2006 11:00:36 AM · #4

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that
She is staying home because she is not feeling well.
"What's the matter?" he asks
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"
"I can't see my ass coming into work today.

spreadcom

Canon EOS-350D Rebel XT

Canon EF 85mm f/1.2L II USM

01/23/2006 11:05:01 AM · #5

A horse walks into a bar. Bartender says "Hey pal, why the long face?"

RobotBanjo

Canon EOS-5D Mark II

01/23/2006 11:12:21 AM · #6

A woman walks into an elevator and sighs happily to the man next to her, "T-G-I-F!"
The man looks at her with a smile replying calmly, "S-H-I-T".
"T-G-I-F" The Woman, now confused, said again.
"S-H-I-T."
The woman innocently looked at the man, "No, you know, T-G-I-F, like, Thank Goodness It's Friday?"
The man just continued to smile as he walked out the elevator door and said, "S-H-I-T, you know, as in, Sorry Honey It's Thursday?"

Hehe :P

stare_at_the_sun

Canon EOS-10D

01/23/2006 11:16:11 AM · #7

I havn't slept for five days....

...because that's too long.

:P

Giorgio

Canon EOS-70D

Sigma 105mm f/2.8 Macro EX DG OS for Canon EF

01/23/2006 11:18:46 AM · #8

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby
English will be the official language of the European Union rather
than German,which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft
"c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like
fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th"
with "z" and "w" with "v".During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu
understand ech oza.
Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
If zis mad you smil pleas pas on to oza pepl.
Zen ve vil rul ze world!!

Zis is kol!

Sigma 105mm f/2.8 Macro EX DG OS for Canon EF

01/23/2006 11:24:34 AM · #9

zis is kol,LOL

Giorgio

Canon EOS-70D

01/23/2006 12:08:02 PM · #10

SHIT???????

Taoism: Shit happens.
Confuchism : Confucius say: "Shit really happens".
Calvinism: The shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
Buddhism: If the shit happens, it is not really shit.
Seventh Day Adventist: Our shit happens only on Saturday.
Satanism: The shittier the shit the better.
Baptist: You must pray and accept our shit, or you will burn in shit forever.
Zen: What is the sound of your shit happening?
Hedonism: Nothing's better than a good shit.
Hinduism: This shit has happened before.
Mormon: Our shit is happy only in Salt Lake city, Utah.
Islam: When the shit does happen it is the will of Allah! Branch Davidian: Shoot all the Feds with your shit. Jehovah Witness: We bring our shit to your home.
Moonies: Only happy shit happens!
Christianity: Jesus went through lots of shit for your shit.
Stoicism: This shit is very good for me.
Protestantism: Let the shit happen to someone else.
Church of Christ: Water baptism is good shit.
Catholicism: You must confess your shit to our child molester-priests.
Episcopalian: Let's have a potluck and forget all this shit.
Foursquare: The spirit of shit came into us and we rolled around on the church floor. Hare Krishna: Krishna is hot shit. Hare, Hare.
Jewish: Why does this shit always happen to us?
Zoroastrianism: The shit happens about half the time.
Christian Science: All the shit is in your mind.
Evangelist: The bad shit is going to happen to you unless you follow our good shit.
Agnostic: I don't know if the shit exists.
Existentialism: What the hell is shit anyway?
Rastafraianism: Lets smoke this shit.
Atheist: There is no shit.

stare_at_the_sun

Canon EOS-10D

01/23/2006 12:10:55 PM · #11

Episcopalian: Let's have a potluck and forget all this shit.

That made me laugh...

debitipton

Canon EOS-5D Mark II

Canon EF 28-80mm f/3.5-5.6 II

01/23/2006 12:23:20 PM · #12

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's
birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and
goes over to the counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there
wearing dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and
reel?" He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on
the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from
the sound it makes.

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404
reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's
on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of
it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her
credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she
is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind
clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know
that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please. "

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it
was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call
Is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."

01/25/2006 10:48:42 AM · #13

Dictionary for Decoding Women's Personal Ads:

40-ish ........................ 49.
Adventurous .............. Slept with everyone.
Athletic ...................... No breasts
Average looking .......... Moooo.
Beautiful .................... Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure ... On medication.
Feminist .................... Fat
Free spirit .................. Junkie
Friendship first .......... Former slut.
New-Age ................... Body hair in the wrong places.
Old-Fashioned ........... No BJs.
Open-minded ............. Desperate
Outgoing ................... Loud and Embarrassing.
Professional .............. Bitch
Voluptuous ................ Very Fat
Hugh frame ............... Hugely Fat
Wants soul mate ....... Stalker

Canon EF 24-105mm f/4.0L IS

01/27/2006 11:02:30 AM · #14

Bob's car

DrAchoo

Panasonic Lumix DMC-LX5

01/27/2006 11:06:28 AM · #15

There are 10 types of people; those who understand binary, and those who don't.

shanksware

Canon EOS-5D

Canon EF 85mm f/1.2L II USM

01/27/2006 11:13:08 AM · #16

Originally posted by DrAchoo:

There are 10 types of people; those who understand binary, and those who don't.

For those who don't, not funny.
I personally think it's hilarious!!!!!!

Canon EF 85mm f/1.2L II USM

01/27/2006 11:16:53 AM · #17

Originally posted by shanksware:

Originally posted by DrAchoo:
There are 10 types of people; those who understand binary, and those who don't.

For those who don't, not funny.
I personally think it's hilarious!!!!!!

Geeks!

shanksware

Canon EOS-5D

01/27/2006 11:18:36 AM · #18

Originally posted by pitsaman:

Geeks!

Badge of honor!

01/28/2006 01:37:34 PM · #19

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the
breakfast
table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we
were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a
jaybird fifty years ago."
Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times."
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My
nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the
other is in your oatmeal."

02/02/2006 08:58:24 PM · #20

Olympus 40-150mm f/2.8 PRO M.Zuiko

02/03/2006 10:02:45 PM · #21

Horse snowball fight

Brad

Olympus OM-D E-M1

02/03/2006 10:06:36 PM · #22

Texas Cowboy

A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in
the posh Amarillo Theatre. When the usher came by and
noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but
you're only allowed one seat." The cowboy groaned but
didn't budge. The usher became more impatient: "Sir, if you
don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the
manager." Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher
marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he
returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried
repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally
they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed the
situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your
name?" "Sam," the cowboy moaned. "Where ya all from, Sam?"
asked the Ranger. With terrible pain in his voice, and
without moving a muscle, Sam replied, "the balcony..."