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05/24/2007 10:39:34 PM · #26 |
I married Jenn when she was 19 and I was 22. We will be married 13 years this July. Love is not a feeling, love is a decision. If you love someone you want to work for them. If they love you they want to work for you. Submit to one another. Marriage is not about what you get out of it, it's about what you give to the other.
And really not to throw this thread way off track, for the guys (and also for the girls, but especially the guys), not having sex before you get married. I know that is hugely old fashioned, but I think it's sound advice for one reason. When you are young and a guy it is very hard to know if you are in love with the sex or in love with the woman. Again, I realize I'm "out of step" with society, but it's the one thing I am somehow going to try to impress on my son. I have no idea how I'm going to do it, but I'm going to try...
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05/24/2007 10:55:50 PM · #27 |
My wife and I are H/S sweet hearts. Dated for 6yrs, been married for 25yrs. "We are best friends". We put our family 1st over all things. We say we love each other several times a day. Become one. I don't know how she put up with me, Thank God she has.
Message edited by author 2007-05-25 01:28:20. |
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05/24/2007 11:21:27 PM · #28 |
Originally posted by klstover:
Well this is a weird question for a photography forum.
I believe that marriage is forever, and that love takes work. If you understand where I'm coming from, then maybe you can explain some about how can you balance between "okay, this is way too much work in this relationship and we shouldn't get married" and "an acceptable level of work"? |
Yeah, might be a weird question, but still a valid one, I was (past tense) married for 16 years, as for level of work required...only you can answer that...As for me, well the first 14 or so years were for the most part very good (not much "work") Disclaimer here...This is my opinian no one elses...if you have doubts BEFORE you get married...well like I said just my thoughts but...then I would have to think it is either cold feet or...destined for failure...as for FOREVER?? Nothing is forever...Like I said just my thoughts...people change, situations change, it's just the way things are, nothing you or anyone else can do to change it...All I can say is live your life for the here and now, do what you think is best for you, things will fall together in the end, they always seem to...just go for it, there are no absolutes in life...only opportunities to improve...
By the way, my Ex and I are still very close friends, we are more like brother and sister than ex's, we are both only children so maybe that has something to do with it, I don't know...
Message edited by author 2007-05-25 08:32:55.
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05/24/2007 11:34:27 PM · #29 |
| Engagements are prison sentences, and marriage is death row! |
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05/24/2007 11:35:34 PM · #30 |
first I'd like to say that you shouldn't have to "work" on a relationship together, if it takes working at being together to make it last then it really isn't meant to be.
One thing most couple don't consider that is extremely important is that men and women think and communicate differently. Both need to take into consideration how the other works and what they need or don't need. Like when a guy says he's not thinking about anything, he really isn't. And of course trust and honesty is important. |
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05/24/2007 11:56:45 PM · #31 |
In the end you just have to go with what feels right, hope for the best, and make the decision with an understanding of its importance and relative permanence. (Yes, you can get divorced, but even if you didn't feel about divorce the way you clearly do, it's still not something anyone wants to go through--no one get's married with the idea that they will get divorced [or at least they shouldn't]).
People can tell you a hundred stories... and they will all be different, and sometimes contradictory. A good, loving, long-lasting relationship does take "work" but it also takes luck. Good luck.
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05/24/2007 11:56:51 PM · #32 |
Originally posted by Bosborne:
Don't bring the other's family into ANY disagreement.
Just my 2¢ worth.... |
Kinda hard when they are a big part of the problem. That was a downfall of my marriage. And I know plenty of couples where the family is constantly involved, giving unwanted (and even bad) advice....
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05/25/2007 12:00:22 AM · #33 |
Originally posted by sabphoto:
first I'd like to say that you shouldn't have to "work" on a relationship together, if it takes working at being together to make it last then it really isn't meant to be.
One thing most couple don't consider that is extremely important is that men and women think and communicate differently. Both need to take into consideration how the other works and what they need or don't need. Like when a guy says he's not thinking about anything, he really isn't. And of course trust and honesty is important. |
I have to disagree with the first part. I believe just about everything we have in life that is good we have to work for. If you are in a committed relationship, you spend every day trying to make sure you are happy & your partner is happy. Maybe our definition of work is different. It isn't like you wait on them hand & foot for 8 hours & then you are off for the night BUT there are things we do to make the other happy. If I know my husband likes a chocolate donut & I go out of my way to get that for him & surprise him I consider that "working" to keep the relationship good & him happy. If I think he would really enjoy a beautiful collage of pictures, I go out & take those pictures & work really hard on a beautiful project for him - I consider that working. Maybe I use working in the wrong context here..but if everyone in a relationship went through life not "working" on it & only worrying about themselves & what they want...there would be no relationships worth anything. If you try to make each other happy, you are going out of your normal selfish activities..I consider that working to keep your relationship in the good -- and that is a great thing. Again, maybe you agree with this but you don’t call it working where other folks may. I truly believe to make a relationship work both people have to want it to work & have to think of the other before themselves in most cases.
Edit: Also, in any situation you are faced with as a couple it is your instinct to go with your own personal feelings. It is work to step outside of that box & try to put yourself in their shoes. That is something I am guilty of & working on. Sorry for the book folks!!
Message edited by author 2007-05-25 00:02:57.
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05/25/2007 12:08:41 AM · #34 |
Originally posted by sabphoto:
first I'd like to say that you shouldn't have to "work" on a relationship together, if it takes working at being together to make it last then it really isn't meant to be.
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ummm. That is not true. Unless when you say "you shouldn't have to work" you really mean as a substitute that "Work is expected when it means: compromise, communication, struggle, sacrifice, committment, etc etc." That is what most people mean when they say you have to work in a relationship. That it is not always easy and not always understandable is not always a bad thing. So to say, if it takes work then it isn't meant to be, is both foolhardy and dangerous to promote. Because then at one point or another, everyone will then question, "Is this really meant to be?" and no one could be confident in their relationship. Instead a level headed approach that good times, average times and bad times lie ahead with the assurance that both parties will strive to work together (key part) to sustain and grow that relationship....that is more reasonable.
"Work" is a huge part of a successful relationship. And by work I mean "compromise, communication, struggle, sacrifice, committment, etc etc." But it becomes work because sometimes these expressions are not our first instinct, so we must "work" towards being more unselfish in regards those actions listed above.
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05/25/2007 12:20:59 AM · #35 |
right on, i called mine off last october after dating the guy 6 yrs. it was the best thing i ever did. i was supposed to get married May 5. When that day came i went out and celebrated not making a mistake :)
Originally posted by MrEd:
Originally posted by Wildcard:
"If in doubt, don't" |
Exactly... |
Message edited by author 2007-05-25 00:21:56. |
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05/25/2007 12:31:30 AM · #36 |
sorry I probably should have said it different...when I think of work I think of something you have to put a lot of effort into and is usually disliked. The "work" in a relationship should be effortless and done cause you WANT to give to the other person or be better for the other person. It is technically work but only for the lack of a better word. Sorry about the confusion.
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05/25/2007 01:00:40 AM · #37 |
Originally posted by DrAchoo:
And really not to throw this thread way off track, for the guys (and also for the girls, but especially the guys), not having sex before you get married. I know that is hugely old fashioned, but I think it's sound advice for one reason. When you are young and a guy it is very hard to know if you are in love with the sex or in love with the woman. Again, I realize I'm "out of step" with society, but it's the one thing I am somehow going to try to impress on my son. I have no idea how I'm going to do it, but I'm going to try... |
I agree, we didn't before marriage (with anyone), and its the best decision we ever made, now we have something that we have grown together with and developed a trust that cant be broken. I cant imagine getting drunk, having sex, and then starting a relationship like so many of my friend try to do. Its just so backwards, how can you share yourself at its most intermite on the first encounter.
I've been married since I was 21 so for 7 years now, we have a 4 year old an 2 year old and one more on the way. I know its only early days for us compared to some of the others on this site, but so far we have out lasted 4 of our friends marriages. Was I 100% sure when I got married, no, but I was damn sure I wanted to be with her.
a question, do you have to 'work' on your boyfriend/girlfriend relationship now? Are you hopeing that things will improve with marriage?
Only you know the answer to those questions and only you know if marriage is right for you right now. Good luck with it, for me it wasnt a decision that had to be made, it was a forgone conclusion thats where our relationship was heading.
Message edited by author 2007-05-25 02:46:06. |
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05/25/2007 01:14:18 AM · #38 |
I've been married twice. My first time was a practice run. It showed me what I was really looking for and what to stay away from. I knew within the first year that she and I should not be together, however I fought for the marriage for another 4 years. Total waste. Now its totally different. The first time I kissed Joanna she told me that she loved me. We have been married for almost 4 years now and have 3 wonderful boys. Is marriage work, hell yes. However its good work and it doesn't feel like work, I prefer communication. Its not always easy, its not always hard, but it is always fullfilling. I have never doubted this marriage, never will. We don't always agree, we sometimes argue, we always love each other. Communication is always key, and remembering that the couple has to work as a team.
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05/25/2007 01:19:06 AM · #39 |
| So much good stuff here. It is going to take me a while to really digest everything. Thank you! |
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05/25/2007 01:53:57 AM · #40 |
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05/25/2007 06:20:52 AM · #41 |
Great advice here - pretty amazing stuff.
The bottom line is pretty clear - if you do not feel comfortable in the relationship now, things will likely get worse, not better, once you marry.
It is better to err on the side of caution.
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05/25/2007 06:52:32 AM · #42 |
Well, I am pretty new to this marriage thing as I have only been married for just over a year. However, my advice, as others have mentioned is, if you have doubts, don't do it! Emotionally speaking, it is much easier to break off a relationship or even an engagement than it is to get out of a marriage. A million times easier.
Before I got married, I had very idealized veiws on how a marriage should be and let me tell you, I was in for a big shock! Just make sure you don't have fairytale ideas of marriage. Marriage is hard work and you never really know how hard until your in it.
I am human and I can't say that I haven't had doubts about my marriage or that at point or another and I haven't thought "OMG, what have I done???" However, things tend to work themselves out in ways you never expected. Marriage is a big change in anyone's life and I think most people have had some sort of doubt or questioned the desicion after the fact. It's human nature. Some people stay and work it out and others don't. Can't blame either side. You have to do what you believe is best for you at the time.
As for love being forever, I think it's a crock of $hit. People do fall out of love even if they have loved deeply. It happens. Whether you choose to stay or leave under those circumstances, it's up to you. I do love my husband but perhaps being burned too many times before has made me a bit cynical about love.
None of this probably made sense so take everything I say with a grain of salt :)
June
Message edited by author 2007-05-25 06:57:46.
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05/25/2007 07:08:29 AM · #43 |
Originally posted by Wildcard:
I'll add another one 'cos my Mum was married for over 40 years and it turns out she was very wise " don't marry someone you think you can live with, marry someone you think you can't live without." |
Our Mom's must both be very wise ... that was the EXACT advice that she gave me when I was younger ... that phrase plays in my head over and over ... to this day I've still never gotten married ... until now, with my current boyfriend (he's the one I can't live without), I couldn't see myself spending the rest of my life with anyone ... |
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05/25/2007 07:14:08 AM · #44 |
Sure if you want to go back and live in the 1950's. |
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05/25/2007 12:16:16 PM · #45 |
Originally posted by quiet_observation:
Sure if you want to go back and live in the 1950's. |
Oh...you mean before women went and ruined their devine purposes with the women's movement?
Wait...
You're right, I'm a woman! I should be able to neglect my family! My kids don't need a mom, they need day care! My high paying job is way more important than the life I brought into this world. And when I don't have a strong emotinal relationship with them when their older, I'll have NO idea why!
My husband doesn't need a wife, he needs someone who gives him conditional sex every once in a while because most of the time I don't feel like doing it...mostly I just LOVE nagging the heck out of that stupid ape until he snaps!! I just don't understand why he can't understand me!
Good thing I can just get a divorce. The kids won't mind. I'm sure they can just learn everything they need to know about healthy relationships from the media.
YES! I LOVE BEING A WOMEN, I'M SO RESPECTABLE!
Women these days are far too selfish, hard, and downright stupid.
Message edited by author 2007-05-25 12:21:00.
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05/25/2007 12:29:09 PM · #46 |
My husband and i have been together for fourteen years now. Most of that we were dating. I hated him at first. Truely hated him. he was the most annoying person on the planet. Then he grew on me and I decided to give him a chance and date him. He was wonderful from the beginning and understood that our relationship was a compromise. I decided to keep him when he showed up on my doorstep after I had my wisdom teeth pulled. The medicine they gave me I was highly alergic to. He brought me a gallon of orange juice and two dozen rozes, skipped work so he could take care of me. He was definately a keeper.
Our compromise was put to it limitation during college. We attended seperate colleges. We were engaged at this time as well. I didn't want to get married until I graduated. We met new people with open minds and never found someone that was better. every night we called about our adventures, even when i was in New York and he was in missouri. We stayed faithful to each other. we stayed happy. I'm not saying is was always good. We have our times where we don't understand each other and we snap, but we never go to bed angry. ;) |
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05/25/2007 12:29:46 PM · #47 |
Whoa, I need that popcorn icon right about now...
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05/25/2007 12:33:32 PM · #48 |
Originally posted by pamelasue:
Originally posted by Wildcard:
I'll add another one 'cos my Mum was married for over 40 years and it turns out she was very wise " don't marry someone you think you can live with, marry someone you think you can't live without." |
Our Mom's must both be very wise ... that was the EXACT advice that she gave me when I was younger ... that phrase plays in my head over and over ... to this day I've still never gotten married ... until now, with my current boyfriend (he's the one I can't live without), I couldn't see myself spending the rest of my life with anyone ... |
I see it another way. I can live very well without my husband. I DON'T WANT TO.
My sister-in-law couldn't live without her boyfriend, even when he hit her. thank god she woke up from that nightmare. |
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05/25/2007 12:49:25 PM · #49 |
all my wisdom from 24 months of marriage :)
there is no perfect match, find someone who understands that
selfish people make bad spouses
go slow, really freakin' slow
get into at least 1 huge fight before even considering marriage, lots to be learned in that fight
once married, it will work because it has to work ... find someone who agrees
the "feeling" of being in love WILL GO AWAY, be ok with that
the grass only seems greener on the other side, it never is, ever |
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05/25/2007 12:51:45 PM · #50 |
I never share my opinions about marriage because I think every marriage is as different as the people involved. I will say that I've been happily divorced for 13 years. ;)
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