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05/24/2007 08:59:46 PM · #1
Well this is a weird question for a photography forum.

I believe that marriage is forever, and that love takes work. If you understand where I'm coming from, then maybe you can explain some about how can you balance between "okay, this is way too much work in this relationship and we shouldn't get married" and "an acceptable level of work"?
05/24/2007 09:06:05 PM · #2
My mothers sage advice on this was "If in doubt, don't" I probably should've listened to her.
05/24/2007 09:07:24 PM · #3
first of all, you look too young to get married and second if you cant get along while your not married then run like the wind because it does not get better it gets harder
05/24/2007 09:07:46 PM · #4
Wow, there's a complicated question. I've always found it really hard to break romantic feelings down into logical reasioning about work and relationships, although I'm sure that it should be done. I guess the best I can do - and granted, I'm speaking from very limited experience, none of which includes marriage - is to say that there has to be a line somewhere between an honest level of work on both sides, and one person doing it all or it being too much and not working. Where that line is, I think it has to be an honest gut-feeling in every person, where they can say, "For what I'm putting in, I'm not getting a fair return." Maybe that sounds cold, but I don't know how else to say it.

I rather doubt that helped at all, sorry. But I'm curious to hear what the wiser ones among us have to say.
05/24/2007 09:08:54 PM · #5
All this so far has been really helpful.

(I'm older than I look :) )
05/24/2007 09:08:57 PM · #6
That is a tough one & I think it all depends on what you are willing to do or put up with. You would like to think things are always even or "balanced”. But it doesn't always happen that way. There are certain things each of you are probably best at & you have to pick each other up in those areas you lack. Hopefully you can be with someone that compliments you & together you make something great. I like what Wildcard posted, seems right but then again with such a big decision doubt probably passes through every persons head at some point or another. If you are not happy & you can't see things getting better - it probably won't.
05/24/2007 09:09:21 PM · #7
If you feel like you are having to work to much. Then you're probably not gonna last. Yes love takes work, BUT what follows that is that you're happy to do it... you get pleasure from the work because of the reaction from your mate. That makes it not work.

Do I know where you're coming from yes. Been there, done that. Two failed marriages and truckloads of guilt to go along with it. However I finally found Mr. Right. Not only do I think I'm lucky to have him... HE thinks he's lucky to have me... and that's after 8 years, multiple miscarriages, having money, not having money. It's not work even now.

And for everyone what they need is different. I wish you the best on this trek.
05/24/2007 09:09:30 PM · #8
honestly in my experience (2 marriages) you just know. the first one i got married because I thought i had too. and it didn't last but a few months. I was a bit younger than you. With Crystal i couldn't see myself not marrying her.
05/24/2007 09:09:41 PM · #9
Originally posted by Wildcard:

"If in doubt, don't"

Exactly...
05/24/2007 09:13:47 PM · #10
Originally posted by Elvis_L:

honestly in my experience (2 marriages) you just know. the first one i got married because I thought i had too. and it didn't last but a few months. I was a bit younger than you. With Crystal i couldn't see myself not marrying her.


I agree with this. I dated a guy for 6 years & there is a reason we never got married. It wasn't right & we both knew it.

Now with my fiance, I knew from the beginning & I am thrilled to spend my life with him. I couldn't imagine my life without him.
05/24/2007 09:17:55 PM · #11
I'll add another one 'cos my Mum was married for over 40 years and it turns out she was very wise " don't marry someone you think you can live with, marry someone you think you can't live without."

Message edited by author 2007-05-24 21:19:42.
05/24/2007 09:17:59 PM · #12
My father's advice was always; if you can concieve of a set of circumstances where divorce is an option than don't do it.

The extent to which people takes seriously the committment of marriage differs from person to person. It is important to ensure that you are at least on the same page before you start.

Also; one of the functions of the engagement period is to work out if it is the right person. It creates a more committmed environment to allow you to gauge how each of you respond to that committment. There is nothing wrong with accepting an engagement and then backing out (but do try to spare the cost).

Therer are also soem excellent marriage preparation course which do cover all sorts of topics for you as a couple to discuss about your expectations from one another. I have some friends who broke off their engagement as a result their discovered on their huge differences in opinion on the subjects they covered while on the course.
05/24/2007 09:23:04 PM · #13
Originally posted by PaulE:

My father's advice was always; if you can concieve of a set of circumstances where divorce is an option than don't do it.

The extent to which people takes seriously the committment of marriage differs from person to person. It is important to ensure that you are at least on the same page before you start.

Also; one of the functions of the engagement period is to work out if it is the right person. It creates a more committmed environment to allow you to gauge how each of you respond to that committment. There is nothing wrong with accepting an engagement and then backing out (but do try to spare the cost).

Therer are also soem excellent marriage preparation course which do cover all sorts of topics for you as a couple to discuss about your expectations from one another. I have some friends who broke off their engagement as a result their discovered on their huge differences in opinion on the subjects they covered while on the course.


A course or premarital counseling is necessary. There are sooooo many things couples never think about before marriage. I think it would be awesome for couples to be required to complete some sort of course or counseling prior to marriage, but that is just my opinion. Your eyes will be opened to many potential situations or encourage you to discuss important topics you never think about before hand.
05/24/2007 09:24:28 PM · #14
my first was a "sure why not"
stupid stupid stupid
2 yrs of pain
& 4years of divorce court
at least we didn't procreate
--
second time //we are made for each other :)
i think being patient works better ..
05/24/2007 09:24:38 PM · #15
Originally posted by Wildcard:

" don't marry someone you think you can live with, marry someone you think you can't live without."


Sage advice.
05/24/2007 09:39:28 PM · #16
Kelly,

I have been reading your posts and comments here since I joined DPC. You have wisdom way beyond your years and have have a talent for seeing the good in things that others would pass by.

If you look deep inside yourself, I bet you already have the answer to this. You just need to be sure.

Although it sounds corny, I suggest you write in a notebook what you expect from marriage, then write down his expectations. Does he meet yours? Do you meet his? This will give you a lot to talk about and if nothing you will learn about each other.

05/24/2007 10:01:40 PM · #17
I have been married for almost 7 years, been in this relationship for over 9, I have a 7y/o, 4-1/2y/o, and a 3 y/o.

We have been through so many things in that time I cannot count them, the blessings, the curses, the heartbreak and the overwhelming joy. The laughter and the crying. Screaming to the heavens for help and sitting in silent amazing contentment. Slogging through the crap (literally) that life throws at you, and standing (literally) on mountaintops together.

It is an amazing, wonderful, painful experience at every turn. It's everything I never knew I wanted and more.

I grew up desperate for love, dying for approval. Wanting someone to take care of me and dote on me and love me forever. The reality is, I find more happiness and satisfaction giving love and doting on her and caring for her than I seem to get from all those things that I thought would be.

I think it's because in the work of marriage, we find what is actually true of anything worthwhile. You make it worth something by the effort, the work, and the blood, sweat, and tears you pour into it every day. You fight the anger, you fight your ego, you fight your deficiencies, and you fight to forgive. You work to build, work for peace, work for harmony, and you work to love.

Love is not something that people really understand anymore. It's not all sunshine and roses, and puppies running through the park with you. Much of it is the things you do to ensure your happiness, not by laying about and waiting for it to come to you. That is a selfish love. True love fights for what it's hearts desire is, and never gives up.

Don't love someone or something that is unwilling to fight for you the way you fight for them. Unless that's your cup of tea. ;)

Message edited by author 2007-05-24 22:02:12.
05/24/2007 10:19:40 PM · #18
Originally posted by klstover:

Well this is a weird question for a photography forum.

I believe that marriage is forever, and that love takes work. If you understand where I'm coming from, then maybe you can explain some about how can you balance between "okay, this is way too much work in this relationship and we shouldn't get married" and "an acceptable level of work"?


I do not consider the problems and trials that my husband and I face from time to time to be "work". Times may get tough and I may be very upset with my husband now and then but I never look at it as a burden. I don't enjoy the hard times but I would never change who I am married to...the painful times are worth working out because I have something really good to hang on to.

If you are in a relationship and it is just too much work, get out...things only get harder when you get married. Make the right choice the first time, don't settle, don't rush into marriage and you will be saved from much heartache...

Honestly, if a relationship seems like too much work to you, you are probably not with the right person.

In my experience, being with the right person is not work but rather a joy. I would never change being married for anything. It is the best thing in my life.

Message edited by author 2007-05-24 22:24:52.
05/24/2007 10:20:55 PM · #19
Steve that was very nice man.
05/24/2007 10:25:53 PM · #20
I will be married 29 years this Aug. and I have just this to say:
Pick your battles. Some things just aren't worth arguing over....
Use your energy for good things.
Be mature about things.
And above all else,
Don't bring the other's family into ANY disagreement.
Just my 2¢ worth....
05/24/2007 10:26:53 PM · #21
Originally posted by ralph:

my first was a "sure why not"
stupid stupid stupid
2 yrs of pain
& 4years of divorce court
at least we didn't procreate
--
second time //we are made for each other :)
i think being patient works better ..


my god, are you my ex husband???? don't worry, i know you're not, but, jeez, that's damn close to what i did too, down to the time periods mentioned.
05/24/2007 10:28:31 PM · #22
Originally posted by wavelength:

I have been married for almost 7 years, been in this relationship for over 9, I have a 7y/o, 4-1/2y/o, and a 3 y/o.



Wow and I thought I married young ;D great comments here!!
05/24/2007 10:28:58 PM · #23
Originally posted by Bosborne:

I will be married 29 years this Aug. and I have just this to say:
Pick your battles. Some things just aren't worth arguing over....
Use your energy for good things.
Be mature about things.
And above all else,
Don't bring the other's family into ANY disagreement.
Just my 2¢ worth....


Whoa, you are so right!!!
05/24/2007 10:29:43 PM · #24
Originally posted by Bosborne:

I will be married 29 years this Aug. and I have just this to say:
Pick your battles. Some things just aren't worth arguing over....
Use your energy for good things.
Be mature about things.
And above all else,
Don't bring the other's family into ANY disagreement.
Just my 2¢ worth....


I think this is my motto. Listen to her!!
05/24/2007 10:37:33 PM · #25
Originally posted by wavelength:

I have been married for almost 7 years, been in this relationship for over 9, I have a 7y/o, 4-1/2y/o, and a 3 y/o.

We have been through so many things in that time I cannot count them, the blessings, the curses, the heartbreak and the overwhelming joy. The laughter and the crying. Screaming to the heavens for help and sitting in silent amazing contentment. Slogging through the crap (literally) that life throws at you, and standing (literally) on mountaintops together.

It is an amazing, wonderful, painful experience at every turn. It's everything I never knew I wanted and more.

I grew up desperate for love, dying for approval. Wanting someone to take care of me and dote on me and love me forever. The reality is, I find more happiness and satisfaction giving love and doting on her and caring for her than I seem to get from all those things that I thought would be.

I think it's because in the work of marriage, we find what is actually true of anything worthwhile. You make it worth something by the effort, the work, and the blood, sweat, and tears you pour into it every day. You fight the anger, you fight your ego, you fight your deficiencies, and you fight to forgive. You work to build, work for peace, work for harmony, and you work to love.

Love is not something that people really understand anymore. It's not all sunshine and roses, and puppies running through the park with you. Much of it is the things you do to ensure your happiness, not by laying about and waiting for it to come to you. That is a selfish love. True love fights for what it's hearts desire is, and never gives up.

Don't love someone or something that is unwilling to fight for you the way you fight for them. Unless that's your cup of tea. ;)


Verry well put, I have been married for thirty three years, we had our ups and downs, I would like to say one thing I have not seen mentioned here, I may have missed it, but I think trust is one of the most important things, if you don't trust someone, then it is not going to work, I have 5 children, and six grand children, we stood by each other, we had some pretty tough times, as well as some great times, as we get older it gets easier, our love has grown stronger, than I ever thought possible, it takes commitment and trust from both partners, love is just the first step.
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