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12/21/2006 04:07:15 PM · #26 |
Originally posted by posthumous:
Originally posted by Larus:
you are NOT going to let me forget that self portrait any time soon, are ya :P |
NEVER!!! |
You mean this one?  :P |
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12/21/2006 04:26:28 PM · #27 |
That is totally awesome!!!! Great job
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12/21/2006 05:13:23 PM · #28 |
Looking at Larus' SP just gave me a thought. I am not sure what format this will be in by the end...but why not make it audio and video and have the members SP's appear as each one of them narrates. This way it will help to put voices to faces.
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12/21/2006 05:19:48 PM · #29 |
Originally posted by posthumous:
Originally posted by Bear_Music:
This is absolutely first-rate, posthumous! Clap Clap!
R. |
thank you! kudos from a poet mean a lot. |
You're welcome. Your scansion is deliciously varied, not done by rote. Your rhymes are whimsical and often evocative. I have only two nits to pick (remarkable for me) if you care to hear them:
"or the message that ran from Marathon," lacks a beat and is a tad awkward. Try "from far Marathon", for one possible fix.
"Arnit spiraled construction paper" likewise lacks a beat and stumbles a tad; Try "Arnit had spiralled" or "Young Arnit spiralled" or whatever, if you like.
It's not that you CAN'T skip a vbeat (you've done it succesfully in other lines) but that in these two lines it forces confusion on where the stresses need to go and makes the reader (or this reader) stumble a bit.
Those are just tiny nits though. SUCH a good job!
Merry Xmas!
R.
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12/21/2006 05:25:02 PM · #30 |
Originally posted by Bear_Music:
Those are just tiny nits though. SUCH a good job!
Merry Xmas!
R. |
Thank you! I'm going to put a caveat on those two lines in the other thread.
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12/21/2006 05:49:55 PM · #31 |
Originally posted by posthumous:
Originally posted by Bear_Music:
Those are just tiny nits though. SUCH a good job!
Merry Xmas!
R. |
Thank you! I'm going to put a caveat on those two lines in the other thread. |
For an example of what I mean, your variation in the first of these two lines is hysterically effective:
"utterly fanatic photography nerds
put shiny baubles directly on thirds..."
R.
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12/21/2006 05:58:55 PM · #32 |
Hehe I love the line about Judi
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12/21/2006 06:26:16 PM · #33 |
well done, but I see it's published posthumously.
*ducks and hides* |
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