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09/27/2006 05:24:30 AM · #1 |
Let me apologise in advance; this is not going to be nice... it's actually very horrible... but I just need to get it out so I can maybe shake a tiny bit of the horror of it, just for a little while.
It's also probably going to end up pretty long, so I hope nobody feels they HAVE to read it. I just HAVE to write it :(
My sister phoned from Calgary tonight, worried about our mom. They usually talk on ICQ Sunday, Tues and Thurs evenings, and mom hadn't been on Sunday or tonight, and didn't answer her phone tonight either.
I saw Mom on Friday, took her for a drive, and she was fine and cheerful. She's nearly 87, but still very active in numerous groups and she was telling me about upcoming events, as well as looking forward to my sister's planned visit this coming Thursday.
I tried phoning her at 10pm and when I got no answer decided to go over and check, as she lives only 5 minutes or so away. As I drove thru' her complex I saw her upstairs light on and thought maybe she was in the bath, but then I saw newspapers in the mailbox on her porch.
Then I knew it wasn't a matter of seeing if she was okay, but how badly she was.... if maybe she'd fallen and was lying injured, unable to get to the phone.... or if it was worse...
The moment I unlocked and opened the door I knew. I knew I would find her lifeless, but didn't know where.
As I looked down the hallway toward the livingroom I could see the footrest of her recliner raised, could see the hem of her bathrobe and could see her foot.... and knew she hadn't died within the past few hours.... I couldn't go any further into the room. I used the phone upstairs then left the house.
Saturday's paper was still outside, her bed was turned down and ready... which means she died just a few hours after I left her on Friday... And I found her nearly exactly 4 days later...
The coroner says she is sure it was some form of heart episode, that she appeared to have gone very quickly and easily. Her phone was beside her.
I feel incredibly guilty that she was there, alone, for that long. I had planned to call her tomorrow.... But she wouldn't have wanted me checking up on her every day! And she was in good health, we never had reason to hover over her. And I did spend time with her just hours before she went, and she really enjoyed that.
Still.... somehow I should have known... should have been there for her... |
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09/27/2006 05:34:43 AM · #2 |
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09/27/2006 05:40:54 AM · #3 |
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09/27/2006 05:45:19 AM · #4 |
Sheila, I think you are just a wonderful daughter, and I am sure your dear Mother, would not want to to feel at all upset, for not knowing, or for not finding her sooner.
You did all you could, and please remember that.
We can't take back time, or say "what if", as we just have to move on, and make the very best of the situation.
Now it is time for you to remember all the wonderful things that you did together, and it is also time for you to be with your family, and loved ones, to help you through this loss.
My thoughts and prayers are with you now and always.
love to you and your family,
from my Pete & shez
Message edited by author 2006-09-27 05:59:34.
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09/27/2006 05:47:05 AM · #5 |
First, let me say how sorry I am for your loss and for the way in which you found out. I can't imagine how painful it would be to discover something like that. I can only give you my sympathies and prayers.
My Dad passed from a heat-related heart attack many years ago and I wasn't there (wasn't even in town) when it happened. The next time I saw my Dad was in his coffin. I can tell you that your feelings of guilt are normal and understandable because we love our families so much and never want them to deal with being in pain and alone. I know those feelings are hard to shake but you have to think about the time you and she spent together that day and what a wonderful gift it was for both of you! I'm sure her last thoughts were of you and the happy day she had spent with you. And you can take comfort in the fact that you gave her joy that day. As I said before...that's an incredible gift that you both received.
There was no possible way you could have known what the future held. And you said she wouldn't have wanted someone checking up on her every day. It was her time to go. But, rest assured that she went with the knowledge that she was loved by you and your sister.
I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Give me a yell if there is anything I can do.
*hugs*
sher |
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09/27/2006 05:47:12 AM · #6 |
Don't be so hard on yourself Shiela. Be thankful for the time you had with her and the fact that you were able to see her as much as you did.
My thoughts and prayers go out to you today. |
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09/27/2006 05:54:55 AM · #7 |
Sorry to hear Sheila, thoughts are with you and your family/friends
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09/27/2006 06:08:49 AM · #8 |
Thank you all for your kindness; it really does mean a lot to me. DPC'ers are a special group, and I am so grateful for being allowed to be a part of this community.
I came home and scrubbed myself... and still, every so often, I imagine that I can still smell it... then an uncontrollable shudder passes through me...
I hadn't cried yet; had to hold together to deal with the immediate...
but once I read your kind words the dam broke and the tears came, the first of many bouts, I'm sure. Thank you for letting me cry. |
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09/27/2006 06:15:03 AM · #9 |
You will be strong, and you will get through this, and by the way, my tears are flowing as well, and I cry for you. love shez xXx
Originally posted by BeeCee:
Thank you all for your kindness; it really does mean a lot to me. DPC'ers are a special group, and I am so grateful for being allowed to be a part of this community.
I came home and scrubbed myself... and still, every so often, I imagine that I can still smell it... then an uncontrollable shudder passes through me...
I hadn't cried yet; had to hold together to deal with the immediate...
but once I read your kind words the dam broke and the tears came, the first of many bouts, I'm sure. Thank you for letting me cry. |
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09/27/2006 06:28:52 AM · #10 |
Sheila!
I'm very sad for you and your family.
You need to get rid of the "What if"'s and the guilt. As you said, your mom was in good health, and even so you spent time, quality time with her up until the end. Comfort yourself with the fact she didn't suffer a long illness.
Good courage. |
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09/27/2006 06:34:54 AM · #11 |
That is really sad, I can understand how guilty you feel. I have all my deepest sympathy for you can your family.
I have been caring alone at home for my mother who recently died from cancer, I was there while she took her last breath. I feel guilty that I didn't do enough for her, that I wasn't a good enough daughter. How does one get rid of these guilt feelings. Its not easy, life can be tough at times.
I am thinking of you. You have had a worse experience than me. |
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09/27/2006 06:41:13 AM · #12 |
I'm so sorry to hear that Sheila.
Some complain that this is a "photography site", but it's really a virtal coffee shop where no one should ever feel that they can't come in and dumb the weight of the world on our shoulders.
I'm glad you had an outlet here to get it down in writing, as I know sometimes it's the only way to make sense of things. Certainly doesn't change anything, but makes it a bit easier with lots of shoulders to lean on, cry on, and pound on if so needed.
Little I can offer but a Big Hug. |
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09/27/2006 06:44:30 AM · #13 |
Sheila my thoughts are with you at this difficult time. Make use of your friends and family this is their time to shine and give you the support you need.
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09/27/2006 06:58:34 AM · #14 |
Another shoulder to lean on here Sheila. Big hugs from me.
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09/27/2006 07:03:48 AM · #15 |
| I rarely post in the forums, but this story just broke my heart...and I want to tell you how sorry I am for your loss! |
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09/27/2006 07:04:02 AM · #16 |
I’m sorry for your loss. My mother too lives alone on Vancouver Island (Cobble Hill) and I worry about her as the years advance, but I’m 3,000 miles away. I also lost my Father in law this year after a month long hospitalization and declining health the previous 12 months.
For what its worth I would take comfort for being with your Mom and that she stayed healthy and active all the way. I can’t imagine the shock of walking into her home, but I know visiting in a hospital ward for a month is not quality time.
Your world is going to seem to be moving very fast for the next month or so. Once the storm has passed and your world settles down, plan to take some time for you and to remember all the good times. My suggestion would be to go for a drive to Long Beach.
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09/27/2006 07:11:20 AM · #17 |
Again, thank you all, more than I can say.
We were at Long Beach a few weeks ago, and believe me, it sounds sublime right about now....
Maybe I will just take a couple days somewhere for just me when this is all done.... I think I'm gonna need it :( |
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09/27/2006 07:11:43 AM · #18 |
| That is rough! Very sorry for your loss, and very sorry for the way it came about. |
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09/27/2006 07:30:47 AM · #19 |
Sheila, I am so sorry for your loss. You have no reason to feel bad, as you and your mom had your routines, and as you stated SHE would not have wanted you checking up on her. The next few weeks and months will be difficult. We, your virtual friends will always be here to listen If you need to talk. Good luck to you and your family in this sad time. My family and I send our thoughts and our prayers to you.
Tammy |
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09/27/2006 08:04:17 AM · #20 |
Im so sorry for your loss. Although your story is a sad one and made tears come to my eyes. Remember she had a long life, she had wonderfull daughters who spent time with her and enjoyed her company. when so many of our elderly are stashed away to be forgotten. She went comfortably in her easy chair with her legs up. She didn't labor for every breath. She was content and went the way I want to go. She didn't have everyone standing around crying over her hospital bed.
If SHE couldn't have known, how could you? Celebrate her life and the time you had with her. Be glad for she is with your family that has gone before and is waiting patiently for you and your sister to join her.
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09/27/2006 08:08:11 AM · #21 |
| very sorry ot hear about your loss. |
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09/27/2006 08:09:20 AM · #22 |
So sorry to read of the loss of your Mom. I hope through the sadness you are able to remember good times you all shared. Thinking of you and your family x
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09/27/2006 08:13:24 AM · #23 |
shiela, i'm so sorry to hear. you offered nice words when my mum died last year, and i hope mine can help in some small way.
i know it's easy to say, but try not to feel guilty about not being there. i know, very hard - speaking from experience. try to remember the good times, and think of how you made her proud to be your mum. i'm sure you brought her much joy throughout your life, and your children (or is it just daughter?) did through theirs.
all my best wishes go to you and your family,
love
christian
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09/27/2006 08:19:05 AM · #24 |
| I'm so sorry for your loss. Please don't feel guilty. You were there for her when it counted. Always remember that! |
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09/27/2006 08:22:33 AM · #25 |
Hi Sheila
Wanted to write alot but some how felt words wont do justice.
I am just writing some lines from my religous book
thir ghar baishu har jan pi-aaray.
Remain steady in the home of your own self, O beloved servant of the Lord.
satgur tumray kaaj savaaray. ||1|| rahaa-o.
The True Guru shall resolve all your affairs.
I pray for you that god himself gives you strenght to face situation in your life.
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