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DPChallenge Forums >> General Discussion >> Never fart in an empty elevator.
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Showing posts 1 - 25 of 74, descending (reverse)
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07/14/2006 11:20:16 AM · #1
The whole "women don't fart" thing is vastly mistaken. I was in jury duty the other day. There was a group of us waiting in the "audience" seats during the jury selection process. It a bunch of ladies and me, no other men in the area. Somebody (not me) kept ripping the smelliest farts that I had ever smelt, real nasty, the warm kind that hits you like a blast furnace and curls your hair. So being that I was the only man in the area, who do you think gets the blame... the chubby guy, or the delicate little ladies sitting around him?

Well, the judge gives us a break, and upon returning nobody sat within 3 seats of me, everybody changed their seat and moved as far away from me as they could. It was embarrassing, and I didn't even do it! I would be kind of proud though if I had fart fall-out that cleared the area like that.
07/14/2006 11:02:46 AM · #2
Memories..... when i was 10 my family and i went to the St.Louis Arch, if you have ever gone up it you are in an egg shape dome thing and it holds 4 people i think and it is like an elevator and i farted while the door was open and then right after i farted the door closed!!! I was like aaaa crap. My step mom looked at me first and was like "DID YOU FART!!?" and i looked down and was embarrassed. Every one was holding there nose..... it was the talk of the day =)
07/14/2006 10:31:25 AM · #3
Isn't it considered an insult in some cultures not to pass wind after a meal?

07/13/2006 11:50:45 PM · #4
Man, Im still freakin laughing at this thread. I was just at a softball game tonight ( we won!!) and I was telling a friend of mine on the team, who happens to be a doctor who's specialty is the GI track, colon etc. He told me that the average male farts 14 times a day. Do you know how many times a day the average female farts??

You got it.... 14 times. Hey a fart is a fart...it does not discriminate!! * My stomach is starting to hurt again... this is so friggin funny!!!!*
07/13/2006 11:38:40 PM · #5
Originally posted by Sammie:

Farting in planes can be pretty bad, too - there's just no way to get away from it. My husband had a couple of Silent Stinkers last month when we flew to Philadelphia to our son's wedding. The flight attendant really gave the both of us a dirty look - I think she could smell the source.


Funny, I was on a (fairly vacant) flight once and an air steward told us you should be thnakful for people farting in the plane because it increases the humidity inside.
07/13/2006 11:02:05 PM · #6
Sweet...farting on VIP's is always better than farting on the common folk... "FART on da MAN" .. I say :-)
07/13/2006 10:49:11 PM · #7
Hmmm, I may just let the halo slip a bit and tell this story...

A long time ago there was an exhibit of King Tutankhamun stuff at the local museum, and I was invited to a very exclusive preview along with a lot of, well, vips. We all received headsets and heard the dulcet tones of a docent telling us all that was important about King Tut. Yes, I and my guy had dined well that evening, and the inevitable happened. Figuring all were occupied with the headsets, I didn't do the stealth thing. The CEO next to me in this very crowded gallery, turned around and gave me the most outraged look I have ever encountered. And I? Well, I looked around too, and also wondered just where this impressive orchestral performance could have originated.
07/13/2006 09:46:42 PM · #8
Farting in planes can be pretty bad, too - there's just no way to get away from it. My husband had a couple of Silent Stinkers last month when we flew to Philadelphia to our son's wedding. The flight attendant really gave the both of us a dirty look - I think she could smell the source.
07/13/2006 09:37:40 PM · #9
Bathroom rumor is the best. After a tough day and reading this thread has brought a smile to my face. Great stuff.
07/13/2006 09:23:18 PM · #10
' . substr('//users.pandora.be/eforum/emoticons4u/happy/045.gif', strrpos('//users.pandora.be/eforum/emoticons4u/happy/045.gif', '/') + 1) . ' We always used to blame the dog ' . substr('//www.diegotorres.com.ar/mensajeitor/foro/caritas/cid12.gif', strrpos('//www.diegotorres.com.ar/mensajeitor/foro/caritas/cid12.gif', '/') + 1) . '
07/13/2006 09:17:27 PM · #11
From the classic "how to take a poop at work" internet message:

ESCAPEE
Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

This entire thread just confirms that farting never ceases to be funny...especially for us males.
07/13/2006 09:15:45 PM · #12
Lucky for me, I have no sense of smell, so I can't appreciate the scent of a good fart :)
07/13/2006 09:13:43 PM · #13
My brother was on the "boats" in the Navy. Nuclear attack subs.

They used to play farting games in the sub to see who could last in the barracks longer than anyone else.

See, the thing in the subs is, you only have so much air. When you're near (or possibly in) Russian waters in the mid 1980's, you can't just come up for fresh air all that often. And you can't make one much sound above a quiet voice. The air recirculates through CO2 scrubbers and adds oxygen, but this only removes a fraction of the methane and sulfer that make farts so effluvient.

Imagine if you will, being the CO of a $2 billion United States Navy nuclear attack submarine, laying down in your bunk for a little rest, feeling the cool, slight breeze of the the ships air handlers whisking across yor face, lulling you to sleep... and then, it hits you.

07/13/2006 09:12:15 PM · #14
Originally posted by fotomann_forever:

This thread is freakin' awesome!!!! LOL


Just leave it to me to start every body off on Fart jokes. I do however feel for the woman that steped onto the elevator when I was getting off. The door closed and she had no chance for escape. I had 2 breakfast burritos for breakfast too. She was probably gasping for air when she got off.
07/13/2006 09:01:42 PM · #15
And from the "Some people don't have a sense of humor" files:

Back about 30 years ago or so, I was at a public pool with some friends, and there was a rather large woman near me who must have thought it was safe to let one rip under water, as she was just standing there. Well, it was more like an episode of Sea Hunt (for those of you old enough to remember that show) with a big old glooop blooop and bubble to the surface.

Never one to pass up a good setup, I said in a rather loud voice "Wow! There must be a scuba diver trapped in your bathing suit!" and had to get out of her reach really quick!

Some people have no sense of humor....' . substr('//users.pandora.be/eforum/emoticons4u/happy/046.gif', strrpos('//users.pandora.be/eforum/emoticons4u/happy/046.gif', '/') + 1) . '
07/13/2006 08:46:55 PM · #16
You haven't lived until you are at a formal Catholic wedding as one of the groomsmen, standing up in front of all the people, and the Priest / Bishop / Minister - whatever (can you tell I'm not Catholic?) is performing the service and letting 'em rip (fall out more like it really) without so much as missing a Spiritui Sancto.

The first one was one that made you think nahhh...couldn't be.
Later to find out that we all heard them, bride & groom included!!

Dare ye laugh in the middle of the ceremony? Me thinks not - but sure was inside and became a "Oh not another wedding!" whenever someone had an "episode", for years to come.
07/13/2006 08:41:48 PM · #17
Originally posted by ursula:

So .... farting is good for education?


...Not when trapped in a classroom of twenty 7th grade boys...ay yi yi, that was a long school year. ;)
07/13/2006 08:28:18 PM · #18
This thread is freakin' awesome!!!! LOL


07/13/2006 06:47:20 PM · #19
Originally posted by BradP:

Lemme guess on their grades...
F?


He, he, no, they made it out of F range.
07/13/2006 06:42:58 PM · #20
Lemme guess on their grades...
F?
07/13/2006 06:40:23 PM · #21
When I was still teaching Adult Education classes in Wyoming, students would routinely come in and check out the situation. One day these two young women came in, and we started talking about dropping out of high school and the possibility of getting their GED and so on, and they kept farting in turns while we were doing this. We were just having a normal conversation, and one would fart, then the other, then the first one again, and so on. I was trying to stay very professional and ignore it, but after a couple minutes I just couldn't help it anymore and started laughing and laughing, I was just about rolling on the floor. They became my students!

So .... farting is good for education?

Message edited by author 2006-07-13 18:40:49.
07/13/2006 06:12:17 PM · #22
Originally posted by Sammie:

Sometimes, men try the stealth mode, too

Try?? Try??
We are so destined to succeed at everything we do, we would hate to disappoint anyone and fail at it.
Last poll showed a 98.32% success rate, with a ± 0.02% error factor.
(Burrito nights are to blame for the statistics variances)

Now seeing as I'm acting like a turd, I may as well go out and lay in the yard...
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07/13/2006 06:04:11 PM · #23
Originally posted by BradP:

Originally posted by Sammie:

It does seem to be a male thing though, doesn't it.... Women and girls fart but it never seems to have the whole humor thing it does for men.

Nature runs it's course no matter what the sex.
Just men are more into a huge wind-up, a fast ball pitch and wait to hear the screams as it's delivered.
Women would rather roll it quietly to home base in stealth mode - you know - lower case ffffffffff....


Welllllllll, sometimes. Sometimes, men try the stealth mode, too - we call them Silent Stinkers at our house. They are worse than the big loud ones. Sometimes, you even need to open the doors for a while to destink the house. Yes, the Silent Stinkers are the very worst variety.
07/13/2006 05:43:30 PM · #24
i showed this thread to my fiance who died laughing and reminded me of an incident he had last year with the 5yr old son of a friend. They are good buddies and often spend an afternoon being childish together. Mike teaches the little guy about the age old art of "pull my finger". Little Alex has fits of laughter when the obvious event happens after he pulls my fiance's finger. They spend the rest of the afternoon at the beach and then went into Denny's to have a bite to eat. The place was crawling with old folks. During the wait for their meals, Alex says quite loudly "Mike, can I pull your finger and make you fart again?"

I don't think there was a smaller 6'5" man ever as there was that day!
07/13/2006 05:39:54 PM · #25
Originally posted by Sammie:

It does seem to be a male thing though, doesn't it.... Women and girls fart but it never seems to have the whole humor thing it does for men.

Nature runs it's course no matter what the sex.
Just men are more into a huge wind-up, a fast ball pitch and wait to hear the screams as it's delivered.
Women would rather roll it quietly to home base in stealth mode - you know - lower case ffffffffff....
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