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06/08/2006 11:28:43 AM · #1 |
OK...I'm sure many of you, like both myself and my fiancé, were adopted. We chosen children have a lot to be thankful for, because I think that 99% of the time, we were given up for good reasons and we had better lives because of it. There's always a little nagging "what if" back in the corner of your mind, but for the most part, it's all good. You do wonder though about your medical history as well as just who and where you came from. My fiancé never has found out ANYTHING about his birth family...that is, until TODAY.
We've had his information in several adoption registries over the years, but nothing ever came up. Overnight, I got an email from a person (a volunteer searcher) who has a possible match. She provided a name and an original birth certificate number, and needed me to check his birth certificate for a match of the numbers. Well, of course, I didn't have his BC. Neither does his mom. Who knows where it is! I went this morning and bought a certified copy of it, and lo and behold, THEY MATCH!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now I've got tons of research to do, but I wanted to share the excitement with you guys. :)
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06/08/2006 11:33:27 AM · #2 |
Laurie - That is awesome!!!!
Hopefully it will bring him some peace.
*HuGs* and best of luck!
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06/08/2006 11:35:38 AM · #3 |
That's just great Laurie. I wasn't adopted but I think I might be able to understand how much this could mean to someone to find out who their birth parents are. This is a great day for your fiancé. I hope he gets everything he's looking for!
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06/08/2006 11:50:19 AM · #4 |
Fantastic news Laurie... I am ever so happy for you and your fiance.
I too was adopted, but had the great fortune of knowing my birth mother and all 12 of my brothers and sisters.
I wish you all the best and do hope your fiance gets to meet his parents and manages to get all pertinent medical information.
Ray |
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06/08/2006 11:59:19 AM · #5 |
That's great news. I'm also adopted, and have never met anyone on my birth side, so I can understand the excitement. I'm sure you know this, but you're opening a whole Pandora's box of emotions and history on both sides so tread carefully. A lot of birth mothers might not have told their current family about him at all, and it can cause issues.
Cheers.
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06/08/2006 12:13:46 PM · #6 |
How cool!!! I didn't know you and him were adopted! I'm so exicted for you guys! I've got this discusson on 'watch' to keep up on any new information... (got my fingers and toes crossed!) :)
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06/08/2006 12:34:51 PM · #7 |
That's fantastic news - I'm not adopted but my feelings on adoption have always been that an adoptee will most likely have a much better standard of life having been taken on by a family longing for kids and able to offer the care and love that child needs than by staying with a natural mother who, likely through no fault of her own, simply cannot provide effectively for them. I know I can't truly understand what it is to have been adopted but this is how I think on it.
I can totally understand too the curiosity about one's natural family in terms of the things those of us who aren't adopted take for granted - what did we inherit genetically and from whom in terms of our physical appearance, our likes and dislikes and even our personality? And it's good to know our medical history too.
PS Is it weird to be calling him your fiance again after all this time? :o)
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06/08/2006 12:45:27 PM · #8 |
OMG OMG OMG OMG...In just a couple of hours, we've discovered names, last known addresses, phone numbers, the fact that there were three previous children (two sisters and a brother), and that his birth mother is still alive...ONE HOUR AWAY FROM US! I wonder what we should do next because this is probably going to be complete upheaval for that family if he just calls and say "Hey, remember me???"
Originally posted by Kavey:
PS Is it weird to be calling him your fiance again after all this time? :o) |
Yep...it's almost like I don't know what to call him...either "fiancé" or "that guy I live with" works I suppose. :)
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06/08/2006 12:51:59 PM · #9 |
Oh wow.
Is there any way you could have a trusted family friend contact her on your husband's behalf and maybe arrange something? Also, he has to be ready for the possibility that she may not want him to contact her. It is nothing he should take personally, but it would still be a huge disappointment, I think.
From a mother's perspective (and I've never adopted, given for adoption, or been adopted, but know several in one or more of those categories), she has never forgotten him, and is probably as curious about him as he is her.
Proceed carefully. :) |
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06/08/2006 12:54:57 PM · #10 |
that's wonderful news!
i've met both of my birth parents. my birth mother is wonderful, my birth father is a good man, but, we have nothing in common, really.
a third party is very very useful here, someone to take the threat of immediacy away for her. try to do it privately, and make it clear that he does not want to create havoc in her life.
i hope all goes well for both of you, and am glad sh'es still alive. a firend of mine only found her birth mother two years after she had died. the whole family welcomed my friend with open arms, and told her that her birth mother never got over giving her up. when her birth mother's family was going on outings, she would always wait just a second for the last girl - the girl she gave up. heartbreaking.
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06/08/2006 12:57:12 PM · #11 |
Originally posted by xianart:
that's wonderful news!
i've met both of my birth parents. my birth mother is wonderful, my birth father is a good man, but, we have nothing in common, really.
a third party is very very useful here, someone to take the threat of immediacy away for her. try to do it privately, and make it clear that he does not want to create havoc in her life.
i hope all goes well for both of you, and am glad sh'es still alive. a firend of mine only found her birth mother two years after she had died. the whole family welcomed my friend with open arms, and told her that her birth mother never got over giving her up. when her birth mother's family was going on outings, she would always wait just a second for the last girl - the girl she gave up. heartbreaking. |
dang, you just made me cry. |
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06/08/2006 01:02:46 PM · #12 |
Um yeah...this is what I was getting at. Don't do this. Get a third party to contact the birth mom and find a way to do it discreetly, so that only she hears the first message. Don't send a letter, don't leave a voicemail.
It's exciting, yes, but it's also dealing with a lot of other people's feelings which might not reflect your excitement. You should 100% be prepared to get a hangup or to be told that you're not to make further contact.
James.
Originally posted by laurielblack:
I wonder what we should do next because this is probably going to be complete upheaval for that family if he just calls and say "Hey, remember me???" |
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06/08/2006 01:08:57 PM · #13 |
Originally posted by jimmythefish:
Um yeah...this is what I was getting at. Don't do this. Get a third party to contact the birth mom and find a way to do it discreetly, so that only she hears the first message. Don't send a letter, don't leave a voicemail.
It's exciting, yes, but it's also dealing with a lot of other people's feelings which might not reflect your excitement. You should 100% be prepared to get a hangup or to be told that you're not to make further contact.
James.
Originally posted by laurielblack:
I wonder what we should do next because this is probably going to be complete upheaval for that family if he just calls and say "Hey, remember me???" |
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Well, yeah...we weren't just going to call...he's not even 100% sure if he wants to proceed, but we are going to handle it discreetly if he does. I am trying to locate the original attorney who handled the adoption (if he's still alive) and the doctor that originally arranged the adoption in the first place (he knew the birth mother personally and put her in contact with the attorney). We also have the help of a "search angel" who can probably recommend some intermediaries if we need someone to make contact for us.
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06/08/2006 01:27:50 PM · #14 |
Cool. Of course, it could go very well too. Hopefully it will. Good luck!
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06/08/2006 02:15:56 PM · #15 |
My husband and my best friend are both adopted. Best friend found his biological mother ~4 years ago, and established a relationship. It's been great for him. Don't know how he proceeded in the beginning, but i could ask. Husband is happy not knowing.
Good luck to you and yours - i hope everything works out. |
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06/09/2006 11:06:58 AM · #16 |
Oh, I hope it doesn't turn out that you two are brother and sister!!!!
:-)
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06/09/2006 11:18:32 AM · #17 |
I too am adopted as is my boyfriend. I have never attempted to contact my birth familt, my boyfriend was able to, but it was not a very plesant experience for him. I know its been said before, this is a situation that can go either really well or really poorly and im doubtful there is an in between. I wish you the best and I hope that you find what you are looking for. (Hope for the best but be prepaired for the worse)
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06/09/2006 12:11:33 PM · #18 |
My best friend (for the past 31 years) was adopted. He has never expressed an interest in finding his roots - and when at one point we discussed it he seemed to really dislike the idea of it.
If it was me, i'd want to know. whether or not i'd meet them is another thing altogether - to go and spy on them first might be my course of action. surveillance - it's just part of being a detective, right?
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06/09/2006 12:21:48 PM · #19 |
Originally posted by laurielblack:
I wonder what we should do next because this is probably going to be complete upheaval for that family if he just calls and say "Hey, remember me???" |
I know nothing about how the adoption stuff works but I have watched talk shows and movies. I was under the impression that in order to get a registry match that both people had to be listed? So your fiancee put in his details because he was looking, and his family put in their detalis because they were looking. That doesnt mean it wont still be a major impact but maybe his family wants to meet him as much as you both seem to be excited about the possibility of meeting them?
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06/09/2006 12:24:11 PM · #20 |
I too am adopted. I entertained the idea of searching for my birth parents many years ago but decided against it because my life was already so full and I didn't want to possibly complicate it. I did register myself online with some of the reunion registries though.
Good luck! I hope it is a positive experience!
Beth |
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06/09/2006 01:03:35 PM · #21 |
Hubby is adopted, tho' he had had limited contact with his birth family into his teens. A sister suggested a few years back that he put his name on the "willing to be found" registry (free, as opposed to paying to actively search). The woman who registered him told us after that she had a very hard time hiding her excitement because she knew there was a sister searching, but couldn't tell him until after she'd contacted the sister. So his results were instant!
His father abandoned them and started a new life and wants no contact, but he was able to meet his mother before she died, and his full siblings. He's found he has 13 siblings, half- and step-siblings! One of his brothers is JUST like him, in appearance and interests.
We're on the west coast and they're east-coast, but they're in touch and ARE a family again :D
The best of luck on this! |
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06/09/2006 01:08:24 PM · #22 |
Originally posted by Prof_Fate:
My best friend (for the past 31 years) was adopted. He has never expressed an interest in finding his roots - and when at one point we discussed it he seemed to really dislike the idea of it.
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Hubby had shown no interest either, but I think part of it was a fear of seeming disloyal to the family who had taken him into their lives.
His sister, who was enough older that she was almost a second mother, told him more than he'd remembered or known about the situation and convinced him that there would be no feeling of rejection by them if he wanted to go ahead. She really wanted him to know his roots and was the catalyst for the reunion.
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06/09/2006 01:52:51 PM · #23 |
Originally posted by BeeCee:
Hubby had shown no interest either, but I think part of it was a fear of seeming disloyal to the family who had taken him into their lives.
His sister, who was enough older that she was almost a second mother, told him more than he'd remembered or known about the situation and convinced him that there would be no feeling of rejection by them if he wanted to go ahead. She really wanted him to know his roots and was the catalyst for the reunion. |
When there is true love within a family there is security and trust in the strength of the bonds between each member. In this kind of strong, loving, mutually supportive family there is no need to feel threatened by the possibility of one member establishing additional relationships with additional people.
How wonderful of his sister to make sure your husband understood and appreciated that he had his adoptive family's support and encouragement.
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06/09/2006 02:39:31 PM · #24 |
Well...the plot thickens, as always. ;) His adoptive mother has told us a bit more now about the story of his adoption...
Seems that the birth mother was married to a man for many years and had three previous children with him. In 1967 however, she (allegedly) had an affair with another man and became pregnant with his child. The husband divorced her and told her the only way she could come back to the family was to give the child up for adoption. She did, and 8 months after the birth of the child, they remarried. I've searched through a TON of records over the past 24 hours and can at least corroborate their first marriage, their childrens' births (the first three), and their remarraige in 1968. I can't confirm through divorce records, as there is a huge gap in what's available online during that time period. Even so, it seems pretty likely a story.
The town, being only 41 miles from here, was just a short drive so we decided to drive through there last night just to see what was around. We found the right address, but of course, didn't stop and investigate. He just wanted to see it. We stopped at the local library and got a copy of the husband's obituary, which listed a ton of relatives scattered throughout the US. If the story is true, however, this man was not his biological father. Also, if the story is true, and since that man is deceased, perhaps it will be easier or more likely that the birth mother would want to establish a connection without fear of repurcussions or emotional upheaval from her husband. We have lots of questions about the birth father as well; perhaps he is dead as well. Who knows? I think the next step we will take is to definitely find an intermediary to make contact for us and find out if she even wants to talk. I have a sneaking suspicion that she would, and by seeing the outside of the home and environment, I have some concerns that she is in poor health and isn't able to take care of many things on her own. Allegedly the son she had prior to Byron is still living at home (in his early 40s) and that might be a whole other ball of wax entirely. Maybe he is her caretaker...but I'm not sure.
Anyway, we have more questions than answers, even with all that's been uncovered so far. Byron now wonders if he really even should have found out this much, but still, he wants ROOTS. We all deserve that much.
I'll keep you posted! :)
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