C.S.I.; Hazard County - DPChallenge Forums

06/23/2005 11:40:04 PM · #1

Ok, we all know that CSI is a big show.

Youv'e got the original CSI, CSI;New York, and CSI:Miami.

What if there was a CSI;Hazard County?

What would the charactors be like? Would Boss Hog be Burt Reynolds, or BradP maybe?

What would the storylines be like? Daisy finds a dead hog in the middle of her driveway, next to her washer AND dryer. Evidence leads her to a sausage making factory owned by some Iraqi interests. The blood splatter on her washer is not of the hog, but from a camel.

Who would play Daisy? maybe Nightshade?

Would there be any guest appearances by a DPCer? Kpriest and Strikeslip are cops on the beat that are framed by the Iraqi Mafia so that no one will find out that the pork sausage that they are buying at the "Kroger" is really camel meat.

I swear my buddy told me it was a cigar that I smoked!

Message edited by author 2005-06-24 22:34:26.

06/24/2005 12:21:25 AM · #2

The general lee is stolen, found abandoned near a river. The only witness to the car is an 18 year old toothless mute. The only way he communicates with the world is with his banjo. And the only song he knows is "Dueling Banjos".

Suspiciously, the General Lee is wiped clean of finger prints, but one clue was left behind. A picture of a muscle bound women.

06/24/2005 12:41:38 AM · #3

Kpriest, a 30 year veteran cop, and his rookie partner Strikeslip are the first to arrive at the decomposing hog at Daisys house.

Kpriest: "How do mam, I'm Sgt. Kpriest of the Hazard county pd"

Out of no where the police cars sirens go off.
Sgt. Kpriest turns around, and looks at his partner with displeasure.

The sirens are turned off.

Strikeslip: "Sorrrry partner, buddy,...just been itching to push that red button all day long."

Daisy: "Well, throw me on the ground amd make me bark like a dog, is that you strikeslip?"

Daisy almost knocks down Sgt. Kpriest, and runs and jumps onto Strikeslip, wrapping her legs around his waist and giving him a long wet kiss.

Sgt. Kpriest clears his throat, loudly.

Daisy composes herself. Strikslip a bit wrinkled in places, and bulging in others introduces Daisy to Sgt. Kpriest.

Strikeslip: "Ahhhh, seargent buddy,....this is my cousin Daisy Dukes."

Sony SAL-50F14 Normal 50mm f/1.4 Autofocus Lens for the Sony

06/24/2005 01:18:50 AM · #4

Hahahahahaha......why is it that you only do lighting for TV??? Have you considered trying your hand at writing?

At the very least, you need to collaborate with Kpriest on the next DPCEnquirer!!!

Great stuff :-)

Art Roflmao

Canon EOS-6D Mark II

Canon EF 24-105mm f/4.0L IS

06/24/2005 01:46:28 AM · #5

30 years on the force has given kpriest strong police intuition. He has his suspicions about Daisy. But she distracts him by giving him a woody and she escapes his questions. ...this time.

----------------

Bwahaha. I will get SJ on staff at the Enquirer. Especially with his Hollywood connections & all. :)

Canon EF 100-400mm f/4.5-5.6L IS

06/24/2005 08:14:27 AM · #6

Meanwhile back at the General Lee, the young toothless mute named bear_music starts to play his banjo.

(to the tune of "dueling banjos" but really slow )

CSI:HC forensics specialist Ladyhawk22 shows on the scene with a black golf bag strapped over one arm, and a very, very, very bright flashlight in her other hand.

Ladyhawk22 turns to bear_music and intorduces herself

Ladyhawk22: "Hi, I'm Ladyhawk22 with CSI;HC, can you tell me about this car?"

Bear_music: (banjo in hand struming) Da La ling ling ling Da la ling ling....

Ladyhawk22 confused looks around for answers about the banjo player.

Ladyhawk22: "Excuse me young man, did you hear what I said? Can you tell me anything about this car?"

Bear_music plays a bit faster on the banjo, and nods his head.

Ladyhawk22 frustrated with the young mute takes her flash light and shines it into bear_musics face.

Bear_music starts to play his banjo in agony.......

"Hold on there maaam......"

From out of no where, from out of the shadows of the woods, a tall slender figure of a man walks twords Ladyhawk22 and bear_music.

Ladyhawk22 still shining the flash light into bear_musics face.

"I said, hold on....I can tell you about this car."

Ladyhawk22 puts down her flash light, and her golf bag and turns to the stranger.

Ladyhawk22: "And who are you? and why won't this freak talk to me?"

BradP: "I am mayor BradP, Boss Hog to my friends, and that freak is kind of my brother, from my sister, who is currently my lovely wife."

Ladyhawk22 standoffish, and grossed out examines the similarities in the two men.

BradP: "That car is called the General Lee, driven by a couple of local folk by the names of MK and Artinept. Why this car is here I can not answer, but a pretty little philly like yur self can probly find out what you want without my help anyway"

BradP trys to kiss the hand of Ladyhawk22. Ladyhawk22 pulls back from disgust, turns to her black golf bag and pulls out a 9 iron.

Ladyhawk22:"Back off mister...I know how to slice!"

Strikeslip

Canon EOS-5D

06/24/2005 08:21:53 AM · #7

LOL!

Art Roflmao

Canon EOS-6D Mark II

Canon EF 24-105mm f/4.0L IS

06/24/2005 08:23:22 AM · #8

Originally posted by Strikeslip:

LOL!

Yeah - where were you, deputy Slippy, when Daisy gave me the slip??? Some partner. :P

Sony SAL-50F14 Normal 50mm f/1.4 Autofocus Lens for the Sony

06/24/2005 06:32:46 PM · #9

oh dear god!!!!

I've always wanted to be in something like the FBI! I was so disappointed when I got married because I had to leave behind my last name.... BOND!!!

Great script, keep it coming!

Art Roflmao

Canon EOS-6D Mark II

Canon EF 24-105mm f/4.0L IS

06/24/2005 06:36:41 PM · #10

Originally posted by ladyhawk22:

I was so disappointed when I got married because I had to leave behind my last name.... BOND!!!

Bond. Elizabeth Bond. I like the sound of that. Would you like a martini (shaken, not stirred)?

06/24/2005 10:11:04 PM · #11

Uncle Jessy narration;(Terribly thick, way , way southern drawl.)

"Well up to now Luke n' Beau have had a lucky streak with there nudy magazine black market bizzness, but the one thing they di'nt count on were losing their auto-mo-bile, The Gen-ral Lee." (Standing with a salute)

"Who is Luke and Beau?.... well Mk and Artinept of course. Wern't you listenen? The ba-oys are in trouble I tell ya'. When Boss Hog is telling false names to a forensic's tech from CSI:HC, he cay'nt be up to anny good."

"Tha's jus the half of it. Daisy, fleeing from the Hazard County PD was not a wise move! I swear, that girl needs a good whippen. Yeah she does....she surrrrrrrrre does....right across my knee, in those cute cutoffs."

"Where was I?...oh yeah, Daisy she ran off like a drunk college girl looking for a date, and she waz'nt even wanted fer questionen."

"Well that what is happenen to them now, but az ya'll will see, what is goen on is just the tip of the hay stack."

Message edited by author 2005-06-24 22:11:39.

Sigma 18-250 f/3.5 - 6.3 DC OS HSM

06/24/2005 11:07:05 PM · #12

"Cooter?" Ladyhawk22 on her cell phone.

"Cooter?... Cooter!!" getting frustrated, "Cooter, push the mute button again, it starts with the letter 'M'."

A voice comes over the cell phone.

"Elizabeth?...is that ya'll on that wire free fone?"

Ladyhawk22, inside the General Lee searching for clues with a blue light spectrometer, finds the photograph of the muscle bound woman.

"I told you not to call me by my real name...call me by my covert name."

"Aww gosh jeez Elizabeth, you and I used to take baths toghether when we were no bigger than a spittoon, why do I have to call you Ladyhawk22, it sounds stupid. It sounds like some all ladies only club in downtown Saigon.

Ladyhawk22 a bit miffed explains her reasons.

Ladyhawk22:" I want this Cooter, if I can't proove myself on my own that I can handle this job without my dads reputation, then I will never get the respect that I want."

Cooter nods his head, and agrees to ablige Elisabeth.

Cooter:"Ok...Ladyhawk22, I'll say it for now on." pauses "Who was your pappy again?"

Ladyhawk22:' You know perfectly well who he was, he's the one that put us in the bathtub together in the first place...I think it was some sort of early childhood training."

Cooter:" Awwww, come on say it, say it....."

Ladyhawk22 visibly embarressed from the banter.

Ladyhawk22: pauses for a beat " Bond, James Bond."

Cooter jumps in the air with excitement.

Cooter:" I loovvee it when you do that!"

Ladyhawk22 smiles.

"Now Cooter, listen carefully, I need you to call Jessy Dukes Carwash and Emporium. Ask Jessy if he has ever seen an orange Dodge Charger, with the number 00 on it. They call it the General Lee. Ok, will you do this for me?"

Cooter:"General Lee!?... I thought it was the GeneralE!....thats Beau and Luke...I know those boys. I even have a magazine subscription with them."

Message edited by author 2005-06-25 09:34:36.

NathanWert

Canon EOS-90D

06/24/2005 11:21:10 PM · #13

OMG, This is hilarious.

Sony SAL-50F14 Normal 50mm f/1.4 Autofocus Lens for the Sony

06/25/2005 02:12:13 AM · #14

I can't help myself :-) I just keep checking back here every night......best part of my day :-) Thanks for bringing so many smiles :-) :-) :-) :-)

06/25/2005 11:00:22 AM · #15

Uncle Jessy Narration. (Deep Southern Drawl)

"Now Daisy Duke ran to her mammys howse. It waz'nt a far run since she just lived around the bend, but Daisy waz'nt a-wearen her runnen shooz, and any body knowz that a-runnen in high heelz iz really hard to do."

End Narration.

Daisy reachs the front door of her moms house, and enters out of breath, and with aching feet.

Daisy:" Maw..., (catching her breath) maw...(breathing hard) maw, are you here?"

From the kitchen, a raspy voice calls out to Daisy. From around the corner of the kitchen doorway a petite stature of a woman wearing, high heels, oversized cutoffs ready to fall from the waist, and a bunched up shirt enters into the entrance area of the house.

Rose:"Daisy? is that ya'll yellen like a drunk college girl in my howse?"

Daisy catchs her breath, and tells her mom what is going on.

Daisy:"Maw, theres a dead hog in my driveway next to my washer and dryer" pausing "And a cute poe-lease-man was hitten on me...." pausing again "I am so confused."

Rose,with three original teeth left in her mouth, wrinkled from 60 years of drinking moonshine, chewing tobacco, ciggarettes, and no name men in her bed, reachs for an autograph picture of Waylen Jennings.

Rose: (a big peice of chewing tobbacco in her mouth) "Daisy, when Waylen Jennings came to Hazard back in nineteen-hundred and 62, it was the happiest daze of my life." (spits on the floor)" I knew right there and a-then tha I had to see Waylen up close and personal like." (spits on the floor, wipes her mouth) "So I snuck into the tent he was pleyen in and hid in hiz dressen room."

Daisy confused.

Daisy:"What are you a-sayen mamma?"

Rose:"Welllll....I am not fer shore on this, but, I'ze am pretty shore tha was the night you wuz conceived."

Daisy turns her head and points to all the pictures, and posters of Walen Jennings on the wall.

Daisy:"You mean...Waylen is my papppy?" confused, " Why did you keep me thinken that DustDevil was my pappy?"

Rose, pulling on her waist long, unsupported, breasts, spits on the floor.

Rose:"'Cause Dustdevil is a good man, an 'fore he ran off to Ar'zona to join some camera cult, he pr'vided for you and a-me." (spits on floor)

Rose holds the picture of Waylen Jennings next to her waist long breasts.

Rose:" Now child, you a-need to go back to yer home and see if'en that poe-lease-man is a wanten you fer a date, or if'en he'z up to someten else."

Daisy hugs her mom, and in her high heels, runs back to her house to talk to the handsome Sgt. Kpriest of the Hazard County Police Department.

06/25/2005 08:35:26 PM · #16

evidence bump

Sony SAL-50F14 Normal 50mm f/1.4 Autofocus Lens for the Sony

06/25/2005 11:37:16 PM · #17

I've always said that DustDevil was a trustworthy man!