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02/09/2005 12:51:22 AM · #1 |
How to Win the Brown Ribbon, by charliebaker
Are you enjoying your sub-5 scores week after week, yet find yourself staying up late at night wondering if you'll ever place in the top 10% of a DPC challenge? Try shooting for the Brown Ribbon. I managed to smuggle the brown-faded "recipe" out of Florida. Follow the Brown "recipe" and you'll find yourself plummeting to new depths of DPC glory at the bottom.
STEP ONE: Do not fit your photo to the challenge.
The material of your photo should have absolutely nothing to do with the challenge. Avoid even a symbolic connection between the subject matter in your photo and the challenge. To ensure a win, try taking a photo of a cliché newbie DPC photographer subject matter such as domestic animals. One other strong candidate for placing last is the monochromatic screen with a creative title, all of which has little to do with the challenge. Take pride in the number of comments you receive regarding how your photo "doesn't meet the challenge".
  
STEP TWO: Take a low quality photo in camera.
Pre-plan which "in-camera" settings you plan to mess up before you go into your challenge photo-shoot. Better yet, work at messing up several of the settings all at once. Try focus, exposure, white-balance for starters. While shooting, attempt a pre-processing "Gaussian blur" simply by shaking the camera while you shoot. People love to vote low on blurry photos. Also, ignore all those silly smarty-pants photo composition guidelines and refuse to read your overly wordy camera manual. Bottom-feeders know instinctively how to make a photo look unattractive. Stick with your brown-ribbon "point & shoot" intuition.
  
STEP THREE: Over-edit to enhance the low quality of the photo.
Once you've loaded your new catch into photoshop, have a heyday. Really go for it. How will you learn to use that confounded program if you don't try everything. Head for the Image tab, scroll down and go for a thrill-ride on Hue-Saturation. Then stroll next door to Color Balance and turn that kitty green (or red). Open up the Filter tab, scroll down and explore the myriad of creative ways to destroy your photo. Whatever you do in post-processing, make it look worse, but don't make it look like you were trying to make it look worse. The real challenge is to make it look like you were really trying to improve the shot. For the nervous types who might fret yourself over whether you are really going to win the brown, for good measure, size your image down to the barely recognizable minimum format of 160 pixels.
   
STEP FOUR: Use an obscure, overly-long, misspeled or redundant title.
Next, choose a title for your photo that includes one of the following options: 1) try an obscure reference which only you and your step-sister understand; 2) or go for an overly-long title. One of the best examples on DPC, though not a brown ribbon winner is "Bad Dresser! No Eating the Babies! That's a BAD DRESSER! - The Bizarre Nature of Househo. NOTE: the stingy DPC rules only give us 90 character for our titles. Why not use as many as possible? 3) another possibility is the misspeled title (add an extra letter here and there just to relate to all them folks who enjoy their love-hate relationship with their spell-check tab. 4) Finally, put the challenge title in your title just to let everyone know you spent too much time as a child watching mindless TV.
  
STEP FIVE: Laugh out loud.
Finally, have some fun. I haven't had so many good laughs since stepping into the DPC international tribe of crazy people. I've laughed with you. I've laughed at myself. I've laughed at the photos I've taken. Hey, lighten up and LOL for goodness sake! There's glory in being flushed down the toilet into the realm of the brown ribbon. Enjoy the ride!
 
NOTE: Thanks to all the DPC vets who graciously welcome such newbies as myself into this prestigious international group of creative oddballs. Props to the founders for a cool website. Also, thanks to scalvert for his post with his smuggled "recipe" for winning DPC ribbons. Well written, helpful tips for us bottom feeders. For those interested in developing their photography skills, reverse everything I've written in steps 1-4. Never let go of your hold on step 5. See you in the next challenge! |
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02/09/2005 12:53:13 AM · #2 |
I had a feeling you were going for the brown in this one :) I couldn't imagine *anyone* actually submitting something like that without that purpose.. LOL.
I didn't vote on the challenge though, just looked through it.. but I think I might have given you a 10 just to try and mess you up ;)
Oh.. and LOL.. yah, stupid DPC messing up my title. It actually allowed me to complete the title in the text bar, and showed me the full title on the preview page.. but then hacked it off when the challenge started!! Imagine my dismay!
I keep missing the brown by tiny little margins.. darnit :)
Message edited by author 2005-02-09 00:54:58.
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02/09/2005 12:54:37 AM · #3 |
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02/09/2005 01:14:56 AM · #4 |
| LOL brilliant, and illustrations no less! Now the race for the bottom will get even toughter. |
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02/09/2005 01:16:36 AM · #5 |
Beautiful post, charley. Bang-up job of writing!
Robt.
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02/09/2005 01:18:38 AM · #6 |
This is too funny, maybe we should make this forum a must read for all new DPC users/members... ha ... LOL
Good laugh before bed ... thanks for the post! |
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02/09/2005 01:43:45 AM · #7 |
That is too funny! Thanks for the needed laugh!
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02/09/2005 01:54:28 AM · #8 |
| i'm in tears. viva la brown!!! |
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02/09/2005 01:54:40 AM · #9 |
It took me ten minutes to read your post Charlie because I couldn't stop laughing. I truly have not laughed that hard in years. I couldn't read when I wasn't laughing because my eyes were filled with tears. You need to write more humor my friend, this one is getting pasted to Microsoft Word and printed for all my photographer friends to see. Thanks a million, one for each laugh.
Doug.
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02/09/2005 02:10:37 AM · #10 |
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02/09/2005 02:21:28 AM · #11 |
| Why is evry one stealing my Idea I mention in the forum I,m going for the record of 3 consecutive Browns, and I find myself surrounded by poseurs and wannabe browns.it just aint fair,.!!!LOL |
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02/09/2005 03:39:04 AM · #12 |
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02/09/2005 04:38:07 AM · #13 |
| LOL, I guess that's one way to guarantee you'll get some comments on your picture. I don't think I've ever seen so many comments on a pictue that didn't win a ribbon (not including the brown ones) :) |
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02/09/2005 04:38:42 AM · #14 |
| I am pleased to be the one person who has "Kitty Nose with Appel" in my list of favorites. |
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02/09/2005 07:01:08 AM · #15 |
It made me laugh out loud....
Great post.
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02/09/2005 10:43:48 AM · #16 |
This was just awesome...I had to bump for the people that didn't get to read it!
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02/09/2005 11:06:40 AM · #17 |
| Thank you for this excellent and well written tutorial. This a valuable resource for anyone with too much common sense and self-respect to ever achieve the brown (no actual ribbon, mind you, but maybe the winner could get one of those cool paper-bag-over-the-head icons). My current Pain[ful] entry is my best Brown Ribbon attempt in nearly a year, but clearly I still have much to learn. |
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02/09/2005 11:10:04 AM · #18 |
Awesome! LOL
This should go in the tutorials section :) |
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02/09/2005 11:26:39 AM · #19 |
Wonderful post i just had a blast with this one... hehe...
well written and i have been there not for the brown but wrong title speeling... :) guess i have to ttry this tutorial after all. :)
thanks.
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02/09/2005 09:18:20 PM · #20 |
Originally posted by typologic:
Awesome! LOL
This should go in the tutorials section :) |
I think so to, that would be really cool!
Very well written =)
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02/09/2005 09:29:34 PM · #21 |
I am kind of in a humdrum state with the challenges lately. I think I am going to try for the record number of browns. anyone know who I am up against? I saw that kiwinick is trying for 3 consecutive. well it is on. lets have some fun. anyone else in the running?
drake |
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02/09/2005 09:35:05 PM · #22 |
| Just perfect. What a great tutorial. I must read it again... |
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02/09/2005 09:52:31 PM · #23 |
Hey, it just comes natural to some of us. Had to respond so it would be in my profile. As a newbie to this world, its been a roller coaster ride. My challenges go like this, I got it, no I don’t, hey got now, couple challenges later, guess not, OH I got it, well the pink and pain challenges haven’t hit yet, guess I don’t.
Great post, a must read for me prior to entering…..
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02/09/2005 10:11:34 PM · #24 |
Originally posted by ace flyman:
Hey, it just comes natural to some of us. |
I believe my most successful technique is somewhat at variance with the listed steps as well, although the certainly seem to represent a potentially successful formula. |
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02/09/2005 10:30:42 PM · #25 |
Well, I'm cruising with a 3.7852 for my first ever entry.
I went straight with "Step One."
I live in NYC so if I can't do better with Bridges II...I'm packing it in. Oll be Bock!!!
Thanx for the advice.
Message edited by ClubJuggle - Removed reference to specific challenge entry. |
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