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10/22/2004 01:13:55 PM · #1
Watch for these new viruses ... NEITHER SYMANTEC, NORTON,
NOR MCAFEE HAVE SOLUTIONS AS YET!

The George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep
looking for viruses of mass destruction.

The John Kerry Virus - Reverses every position in your
computer each time you turn it on.

The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with
NO memory.

The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to just keep
counting and re-counting.

The Bob Dole (a.k.a. Viagra) Virus - Makes a new hard drive
out of an old floppy.

The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your
computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.

The Michael Jackson Virus - Attacks only minor files.

The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files,
leaves, but will be back!

The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes.

The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to
100 GB, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 150 GB.

The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be
inserted.

The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your
processor doesn't care.

The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a
3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.
10/22/2004 01:24:14 PM · #2
Too funny, Brad!! This is a good one! Thx!
10/22/2004 07:10:16 PM · #3
roflmao
10/22/2004 08:09:28 PM · #4
The New York Yankees virus:

Causes computer to choke just before completing a task.
11/02/2004 11:43:29 AM · #5
Well I missed this past Friday, but here is another one to share:

Coffee Anyone?
1. PUT THE COIN IN THE VENDING MACHINE
3. CHOOSE YOUR DRINK
4. CLICK ON THE CUP WHEN IT IS READY
5. CLICK ON "APRI" ENJOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't forget to click on APRI
11/05/2004 08:30:57 PM · #6
Almost forgot today is Friday.

Though not very PC and there is a tad bit of color in the language, it is still cute: Tech Support

Message edited by author 2004-11-05 20:31:27.
11/13/2004 05:34:12 PM · #7
Forgot it yesterday... oh well, here goes:

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have. Unfazed,the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any". "But I always buy it here," says the blonde. Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.

"YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it." She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container......... "TO APPLY, PUSH UPBOTTOM."

(@_@)

And to make up for being late, here's something a bit different:
//splodeman.com/LouisianaFurCoat.wmv

Message edited by author 2004-11-13 17:44:02.
11/13/2004 05:43:50 PM · #8
Originally posted by BradP:

Almost forgot today is Friday.

Though not very PC and there is a tad bit of color in the language, it is still cute: Tech Support


That was &%$#!ing hillarious. ROFFLOL.
11/13/2004 06:08:38 PM · #9
check this outthis land
11/13/2004 06:15:19 PM · #10
thanks for the laughs
11/13/2004 09:01:07 PM · #11
Top C# Compiler warnings.

Microsoft's new Server.

The rest of the site is pretty funny too.

Message edited by author 2004-11-13 21:15:02.
11/20/2004 11:39:29 PM · #12
Nuthin' funny yesterday or today.
:(
11/21/2004 12:09:42 AM · #13
That's funny, I was sure something would ...
11/21/2004 01:45:25 AM · #14
DPC virus: causes your mouse to hover magnetically around the update button.


11/21/2004 02:11:46 AM · #15
Originally posted by GeneralE:

That's funny, I was sure something would ...

Well one thing that is funny, (in the odd way) is that I haven't touched my camera in about 5 days.
Blah :(
11/21/2004 02:46:12 AM · #16
any dr seuss fans? [prob old hat]

If Dr. Seuss were a Technical Writer
Here's an easy game to play.
Here's an easy thing to say.
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort.
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash.
Then your siutation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!
You can't say this?
What a shame, sir!
We'll find you
another game, sir!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house
Says the network is connected to the button on the mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
And your screen is all distorted by the side affects of Gauss, So
your icons in the windows are so wavy as a souse, Then you may as
well reboot and go out with a bang, 'Cause as sure as I'm a poet,
the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC.
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your
ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!

11/21/2004 03:04:22 AM · #17
I think it's "new" around these parts : )

Though personally I think it "feels" more like Gilbert & Sullivan ... somewhat akin to Tom Lehrer's

The Elements

Now, if I may digress momentarily from the mainstream of this evening's symposium, I'd like to sing a song which is completely pointless, but is something which I picked up during my career as a scientist. This may prove useful to some of you some day, perhaps, in a somewhat bizarre set of circumstances. It's simply the names of the chemical elements set to a possibly recognizable tune*.


There's antimony, arsenic, aluminum, selenium,
And hydrogen and oxygen and nitrogen and rhenium,
And nickel, neodymium, neptunium, germanium,
And iron, americium, ruthenium, uranium,
Europium, zirconium, lutetium, vanadium,
And lanthanum and osmium and astatine and radium,
And gold and protactinium and indium and gallium, (gasp)
And iodine and thorium and thulium and thallium.

There's yttrium, ytterbium, actinium, rubidium,
And boron, gadolinium, niobium, iridium,
And strontium and silicon and silver and samarium,
And bismuth, bromine, lithium, beryllium, and barium.

Isn't that interesting?
I knew you would.
I hope you're all taking notes, because there's going to be a short quiz next period...

There's holmium and helium and hafnium and erbium,
And phosphorus and francium and fluorine and terbium,
And manganese and mercury, molybdenum, magnesium,
Dysprosium and scandium and cerium and cesium.
And lead, praseodymium and platinum, plutonium,
Palladium, promethium, potassium, polonium,
And tantalum, technetium, titanium, tellurium, (gasp)
And cadmium and calcium and chromium and curium.

There's sulfur, californium and fermium, berkelium,
And also mendelevium, einsteinium, nobelium,
And argon, krypton, neon, radon, xenon, zinc and rhodium,
And chlorine, carbon, cobalt, copper, tungsten, tin and sodium.

These are the only ones of which the news has come to Hahvard,
And there may be many others but they haven't been discahvered.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Notes
* The tune is that of The Major-General's Song, by Sir Arthur Sullivan, from Gilbert & Sullivan's The Pirates Of Penzance.

The Elements was an attempt to top the song Tschaikowsky, by Ira Gershwin and Kurt Weill, which Danny Kaye sang in the show Lady in the Dark, rattling off the names of 50 Russian composers at lightning speed.

---------------------
What the heck, here's the original G&S:

SONG--MAJOR-GENERAL

I am the very model of a modern Major-General,
I've information vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I know the kings of England, and I quote the fights
historical
From Marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical;
I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters
mathematical,
I understand equations, both the simple and
quadratical,
About binomial theorem I'm teeming with a lot o' news,
With many cheerful facts about the square of the
hypotenuse.

ALL: With many cheerful facts, etc.

GENERAL: I'm very good at integral and differential calculus;
I know the scientific names of beings animalculous:
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Major-General.

ALL: In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
He is the very model of a modern Major-General.

GENERAL: I know our mythic history, King Arthur's and Sir
Caradoc's;
I answer hard acrostics, I've a pretty taste for
paradox,
I quote in elegiacs all the crimes of Heliogabalus,
In conics I can floor peculiarities parabolous;
I can tell undoubted Raphaels from Gerard Dows and
Zoffanies,
I know the croaking chorus from the Frogs of
Aristophanes!
Then I can hum a fugue of which I've heard the music's
din afore,
And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense
Pinafore.

ALL: And whistle all the airs, etc.

GENERAL: Then I can write a washing bill in
Babylonic cuneiform,
And tell you ev'ry detail of Caractacus's uniform:
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Major-General.

ALL: In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
He is the very model of a modern Major-General.

GENERAL: In fact, when I know what is meant by "mamelon" and
"ravelin",
When I can tell at sight a Mauser rifle from a javelin,
When such affairs as sorties and surprises I'm more
wary at,
And when I know precisely what is meant by
"commissariat",
When I have learnt what progress has been made in
modern gunnery,
When I know more of tactics than a novice in a nunnery-
-
In short, when I've a smattering of elemental strategy,
You'll say a better Major-General has never sat a gee.

ALL: You'll say a better Major-General, etc.

GENERAL: For my military knowledge, though I'm plucky and
adventury,
Has only been brought down to the beginning of the
century;
But still, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Major-General.

ALL: But still, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
He is the very model of a modern Major-General.

GENERAL: And now that I've introduced myself, I should like to
have some idea of what's going on.
11/21/2004 03:50:45 AM · #18
ya'll strange....
AND funny!
11/21/2004 12:39:29 PM · #19
A not-so-young guy manages to get a date with a really beautiful and sexy woman, but he is afraid he may embarass himself by not being able to 'keep up with her'. He goes to a drugstore and describes his predicament to the pharmacist. The pharmacist sells him a bottle of pills (much more effective than Viagra!) and warns him "These pills are very powerful; whatever you do, do NOT take more than one a day!". The guy says "yeah sure" and goes home.

At home he takes a pill while waiting for his date. About 10 minutes later, he doesn't feel any different, so he dismisses the pharmacists warning and takes another. 15 minutes after that he STILL doesn't feel any different so he decides to heck with it and takes the whole bottle.

The next day the guy drags himself into the drugstore all disheveled, clothes wrinkled, and eyes bloodshot. The pharmacist looks at him and says "You took more than one of those pills, didn't you?" The guy nods his aching head. The pharmacist says "how many did you take?". The guy says "all of them". The phamacist says "you idiot, you could have had a heart attack, what's the matter with you, etc., etc.......".

The guy says "never mind the lecture, just sell me a tube of 'Icy Hot'. The pharmacist says "don't be crazy; you can't use 'Icy Hot' down there". The guy says "it's not for 'down there', it's for my arm; the woman stood me up!".

Message edited by author 2004-11-21 18:32:34.
11/22/2004 06:35:32 PM · #20
OK, OK, so I'm late...

A little Thanksgiving humor:

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying only polite words, playing soft music, and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desparation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total silence. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm and said, " I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and obnoxious actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions, and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
11/23/2004 02:05:28 AM · #21
(sorry about caps i copied and pasted it)

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,
HONEY,
COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.
HE LOOK AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
G . E . WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO.

FINE,
THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
well, THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT.
TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?

I DON'T THINK SO
FINE, SHE SAYS

THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR?

tHEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK.

I'M NOT A DAMN CARPENTER AND I DON'T
WANT TO FIX STEPS.
HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO.
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS....................................
HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME.
AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.
AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING.
AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.
HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?
SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
OUTSIDE AND CRIED.
JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME
WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.
THE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND
ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER
GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.
HE SAID,
SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?
SHE REPLIED,
HELLOOOOO....
DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN
ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!

Message edited by author 2004-11-23 02:06:09.
08/11/2005 08:15:08 PM · #22
OK, so it's not Friday yet (at least in this part of the world) but I had to post this since I came across it on the net a bit ago. I'm sure y'all have seen it before but I hadn't, and I think it's hilarious!

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging you r head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lion s mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
01/27/2006 10:00:03 AM · #23
Consider These 3 Thoughts

(1) Zero Gravity -- When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil. Your taxes are due again--enjoy paying them. ;)

(2) Our Constitution -- They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, and it's worked for over 200 years. Plus, we're not using it anymore. ;)

(3) Ten Commandments -- The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse is that you cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment. ;)

01/27/2006 11:28:42 AM · #24
Here are some wonderful anagrams:

Tony Blair PM - I'm Tory plan B
Virginia Bottomley - I'm an evil Tory bigot
Michael Heseltine - Elect him, he's alien
David Mellor - Dildo marvel
The Houses of Parliament - Loonies far up the Thames
Francois Mitterand - Mad strain of cretin
Performance related pay - Mere end of year claptrap
Dame Agatha Christie - I am a right death case
The Open University - Intrusive Neophyte
The Metropolitan Police Force - I'm fellatio, the erect porno cop
Acorn Computers - Crap to consumer
Benson and Hedges - NHS been a godsend
Eastenders - needs a rest
Home and Away - Aha..yawn mode
Eldorado - Real dodo
Selina Scott - Elastic snot
Peter Ustinov - Eruptive snot
Actors - scrota
Robert De Niro - error on bidet
Rita Hayworth - Hot hairy wart
Sir Alec Guinness - Clearing sinuses
Mel Gibson - big melons
Arnold Schwarzenegger - He's grown large 'n' crazed
Kylie Minogue - I like 'em young
Gloria Estefan - large fat noise
Chris Rea - rich arse
Marti Pellow - Ill tapeworm
Madonna the material girl - Real dim man-eating harlot
Ossie Ardiles - Arse is soiled
Diego Maradona - O dear I'm a gonad
Martina Navratilova - Variant rival to a man
Gabriela Sabatini - Insatiable airbag
Irritable Bowel Syndrome - O my terrible drains below
Boddingtons, the cream of Manchester - Boddingtons stomach ache fermenter
Stella Artois, reassuringly expensive - Pint 'o' lager virtually erases sexiness
An Intel Pentium Processor - Customer nipple not arisen
Pentium Processor - Computerises porn
Motorway Service Station - I eat coronary vomit stews

01/27/2006 11:42:20 AM · #25
Originally posted by laurielblack:

Consider These 3 Thoughts

(1) Zero Gravity -- When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil. Your taxes are due again--enjoy paying them. ;)


That's an oldy and always sounds good, but isn't true. At least according to the company that developed the pen.

//www.snopes.com/business/genius/spacepen.asp//www.snopes.com/business/genius/spacepen.asp
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