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DPChallenge Forums >> General Discussion >> a "let's cheer up Bear-Music" thread
Showing posts 76 - 100 of 210, (reverse)
06/03/2014 10:07:45 AM · #76
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06/03/2014 10:09:18 AM · #77
A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana, sits down, bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served AND ONCE AGAIN the bartender tells him forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar." The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states,"Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm not on drugs".

The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."
06/03/2014 10:14:59 AM · #78
The sailing party was hopelessly lost on the ocean. The sun was going down and the waves were starting to build when one of the sailors growled, “I thought you said you were the best damn sailor in California Captain Bear.”
“Oh I am,” replied Captain Bear, "but I'm pretty sure we're in Mexico by now.”
06/03/2014 10:24:45 AM · #79
Crossbred Dogs

Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso
Peekasso, an abstract dog

Pointer + Setter
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier
Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

Newfoundland + Basset Hound
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

Terrier + Bulldog
Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

Bloodhound + Labrador
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

Malamute + Pointer
Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway

Collie + Malamute
Commute, a dog that travels to work

Deerhound + Terrier
Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

Robert, I hope the procedure and the recovery are all smooth sailing for you.
06/03/2014 10:59:40 AM · #80
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06/03/2014 12:05:45 PM · #81
3 Doctors are at a Convention talking Shop.

The first Doctor says: "I love doing surgery on Artists, they are so colorful: red Hearts, pink Stomachs, green Spleens."

The next Doctor says: "Me, I love doing surgery on Accountants, open them up and all their Parts are numbered, makes it very easy.”

The third Doctor says: "I love doing surgery on Lawyers, they have no Heart, they have no Guts and the Head and the Ass are interchangeable!"
06/03/2014 12:13:18 PM · #82
An elderly couple went into a doctor. They told the doctor "We're having some trouble with our sex life. Could you watch and offer some suggestions?"

The doctor replied, "I'm not a sex therapist. You should find someone else."

The couple said, "No, No, we trust you."

After watching them make love, the doctor said, "You don't seem to be having any troubles. I wish my sex life was as good. I can't give you any suggestions."

This was repeated the next week and also the third week. After they had finished on the third week, the doctor said, "You aren't having any trouble. Is this your idea of kinky sex?"

The man replied, "No, actually the problem is if we have sex at my house, my wife will catch us. If we have sex at her house, her husband will catch us. The motel charges us $75, and we can't afford that. You only charge $50, and Medicare pays half of that."
06/03/2014 12:46:44 PM · #83
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06/03/2014 01:09:45 PM · #84
The guests are sitting around the living room, sharing a glass of wine before dinner, when the photographer pulls out his Ipad to show everyone the latest project he's been working on. Entranced by the detailed images of weathered skiffs on the bay, the hostess compliments the photographer: "Wow. Those are beautiful. You must have a really great camera!" The photographer nods and smiles, and puts his Ipad away. Later, after a wonderful meal of freshly-harvested greens, heritage-raised pork, and ripe summer strawberries the photographer says his goodbyes, thanks the hostess and gets up to leave. "Did you enjoy your dinner?" she asks. "Oh yes, very much," says the photographer. "You must have a great set of pots and pans."
06/03/2014 02:58:50 PM · #85
Originally posted by markwiley:

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana, (snip) That was a barbitchyouate."

That's long been one of my favorites.
06/03/2014 03:00:14 PM · #86
Originally posted by nygold:

The sailing party was hopelessly lost on the ocean. The sun was going down and the waves were starting to build when one of the sailors growled, “I thought you said you were the best damn sailor in California Captain Bear.”
“Oh I am,” replied Captain Bear, "but I'm pretty sure we're in Mexico by now.”

Snort! Snicker! I assume you DO know I'm from San Diego, and spent my entire youth on sailboats down there?
06/03/2014 03:05:38 PM · #87
Gatiep drowned in a wine barrel on a wine farm and a post-mortem has to be done before they can bury him.
The day of the inquiry one of his pals who witnessed what actually happened told how Gatiep was leaning over the barrel when he lost his balance and fell into the barrel.
The magistrate asked him, "But could Gatiep not swim?"
"Dja Your Honour, of course he could swim. He swam out three times to go pee!"
06/03/2014 03:27:07 PM · #88
The two richest guys in town are competitive in every way, always trying to outdo each other. One day after services at the church/synagogue/mosque/etc. they sat there continuing to pray, looking to be holier than thou. They prayed and prayed, but neither would admit defeat and leave the house of worship. Finally one of them stood, raised his arms up to heaven and piously called out, "Before you, Lord, I am nothing!" Not to be outdone, the other man stands up and, arms upraised, also calls out, "Before you, Lord, I am nothing!" Just at this moment the janitor passes by in the rear of the room and, inspired by this spectacle of piety, raises up his arms and exclaims, "Before you, Lord, I am nothing!" One of the rich guys turns to the other and says, "Hmm, look who thinks he's nothing."

Best wishes for a superb outcome.
06/03/2014 03:38:22 PM · #89
for Chef Bear:

Two famous chefs were competing for a large cash prize on who could make the tastiest fish dish. As the competition progressed it became obvious that both were going to tie, in fact that both were making pretty much the exact same dish. at the last moment one of the chefs put a demi-glace on his dish and won the prize. As the award was presented the losing chef was heard to say "Ah, there but for the glaze of cod go I."
06/03/2014 03:54:24 PM · #90
The invention of the teenager was a mistake. Once you identify a period of life in which people get to stay out late, but don't have to pay taxes, naturally, nobody wants to live any other way.

"Everybody wants to save the Earth, nobody wants to help Mom with the dishes."

Walking into a noisy classroom, the teacher slapped her hand on the desk loudly and ordered sharply: "I demand pandemonium!" The class quieted down immediately. "You see, it isn't what you demand," explained the teacher, "so much as it is the way in which you demand it."

The U.S. Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and the U.S. railroads were built by English expatriates.

Why did the English people build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did ''they'' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Okay! Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on some of the old, long distance roads, because that's the spacing of the old wheel ruts.

So who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts? The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for or by Imperial Rome they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

Thus, we have the answer to the original questions. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification (Military Spec) for an Imperial Roman army war chariot. Military specs and bureaucracies live forever. So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just wide enough to accommodate the back-ends of two war horses.
06/03/2014 03:58:08 PM · #91
What could be more cheery than a clown? ...or two.

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Get well soon or I will have to make more clown pics.
06/03/2014 07:48:02 PM · #92
You STOP THAT! Stop it RIGHT NOW! You just retarded my relaxed-acceptance quotient by a good thirty degrees, Artemus!
06/03/2014 07:49:05 PM · #93
Leader in the clubhouse, BTW, is "the Glaze of Cod" :-)
06/03/2014 08:23:00 PM · #94
Here's a joke that made me laugh the other day...

A man is interviewing for a job. During the interview, the manager asks, "what would you consider your biggest flaw?"

The man thinks and says, "probably my honesty."

The manager says, "well, I wouldn't really consider that a flaw."

The man says, "I don't give a f*ck what you think!"

06/03/2014 09:38:36 PM · #95
Here is a stink bear story! Not much of a joke but kinda funny knowing that the man is ok! Close the door!
06/03/2014 10:09:55 PM · #96
Here's the best (slightly adapted) version I could find of what turned out to be the world's second-funniest joke (according to research in 2002 by Britain's LaughLab site):

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets, meaning it's almost certain that alien life exists.

"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.

"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

"What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"
06/03/2014 10:23:06 PM · #97
Where does a general keep his armies?

In his sleevies!
06/03/2014 10:31:44 PM · #98
Originally posted by vawendy:

Where does a general keep his armies?

In his sleevies!

Not if it's hot and he's wearing a tank top ... ;-)
06/03/2014 10:37:28 PM · #99
Do I have to write out the whole "Genie in a bottle ... " one or does everyone know it?
06/03/2014 11:10:58 PM · #100
Originally posted by GeneralE:

Do I have to write out the whole "Genie in a bottle ... " one or does everyone know it?

Go for it! I'm waiting...
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