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DPChallenge Forums >> General Discussion >> a "let's cheer up Bear-Music" thread
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06/02/2014 06:06:43 PM · #51
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!
06/02/2014 06:21:05 PM · #52
A man received the following text from his neighbor:

“I am so sorry Charlie. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.”

The man, anguished and betrayed, immediately went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in: “Damn autocorrect. I meant ‘WiFi’ not ‘wife’.”
06/02/2014 06:37:18 PM · #53
Originally posted by ShutterPug:

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!


I've been yanko'd!!!
06/02/2014 06:38:33 PM · #54
Originally posted by vawendy:

Originally posted by ShutterPug:

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!


I've been yanko'd!!!


aagghh - did not see your post. sorry
06/02/2014 06:39:29 PM · #55
okay - here's another one:

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough.
06/02/2014 06:43:45 PM · #56
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06/02/2014 06:51:53 PM · #57
Anyone here remember "Smokey The Bear" and "Only You Can Prevent Forest Fires".
Well you know why Smokey the bear never had any children?
Sadly, whenever his wife got hot, he'd beat her with his shovel.
BTW, ShutterPug, ...you know you can never trust a computer, ROFL.
06/02/2014 06:55:12 PM · #58
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06/02/2014 08:40:30 PM · #59
Have you heard about the constipated mathematician?

He had to work it out with a pencil.
06/02/2014 09:07:36 PM · #60
Q: How many Freudian Psychologists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Two. One to hold the lightbulb, and one to hold my penis...no... my mother... no the ladder!
06/02/2014 09:19:30 PM · #61
Have you ever gone horseback riding? We did! My husband was riding along just fine when all of a sudden he slipped out of the stirrup the saddle went upside down and the horse started bucking... the only thing that saved him was a Walmart salesperson finally came out and unplugged the damn thing! He says it was a quarter horse!

Maybe he saw a BEAR!

Wahhhhhhh Wahhhhhh

Good luck Bear!
06/02/2014 09:46:34 PM · #62
Originally posted by KMcC:

Have you ever gone horseback riding? We did! My husband was riding along just fine when all of a sudden he slipped out of the stirrup the saddle went upside down and the horse started bucking... the only thing that saved him was a Walmart salesperson finally came out and unplugged the damn thing! He says it was a quarter horse!


ROFL!!!!!
06/02/2014 10:54:11 PM · #63
Thinking about you, Bear.

The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a bear walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the bear's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" "Not really," said the bear. "Your name is written inside the cover."
06/02/2014 11:27:01 PM · #64
Movies

A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a bear sitting next to him. "Are you a bear?" asked the man, surprised. "Yes." "What are you doing at the movies?" The bear replied, "Well, I liked the book."
06/02/2014 11:37:47 PM · #65
Just in case something happens and I can't ask you this afterwards.

Do Bears poop in the woods?
06/02/2014 11:48:50 PM · #66
Is this too long? Too female? Too uncomfortable? (I'm still squirming.)

ouch
06/02/2014 11:49:25 PM · #67
Originally posted by Bear_Music:

Movies

A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a bear sitting next to him. "Are you a bear?" asked the man, surprised. "Yes." "What are you doing at the movies?" The bear replied, "Well, I liked the book."


Aren't you supposed to be getting your beauty rest??
06/03/2014 12:05:36 AM · #68
Sometimes I walk outside, BEARfooted.
06/03/2014 12:07:14 AM · #69
Q: What do you get if you cross a skunk with a bear?
A: Winnie the Pooh!
06/03/2014 12:23:13 AM · #70
A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their whole lives studying the majestic grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study these wondrous beasts.

Finally, their request was granted and they immediately flew to New York and then on west to Yellowstone. They reported to the local ranger station and were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it was much too dangerous to go out and study the animals.

They pleaded that this was their only chance. Finally the ranger relented. The Russian and the Czech were given cell phones and told to report in each and every day.

For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two scientists. The rangers mounted a search party and found the scientists' camp completely ravaged. No sign of the missing men.

They then followed the trail of a male and a female bear. They found the female and decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientists because they feared an international incident.

They killed the female and cut open the bear's stomach... only to find the remains of the Russian.

One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know what this means, don't you?"

"Of course," the other ranger nodded. "The Czech is in the male."
06/03/2014 06:24:34 AM · #71
Originally posted by GeneralE:

31.gif Isaac and I just made this one up yesterday ...

Recent research has shown that prospective car buyers are eight times more likely to explode into violent rages when visiting Honda dealerships than those of any other manufacturer.

The exact cause of this phenomenon is still unknown, but some researchers speculate that it might be because Honda salesmen so aggresively persist in suggesting that the customers should have a FIT.

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I had a pink Fit when I hired a Honda in Okinawa.


But maybe "have a pink fit" is Australian slang.
06/03/2014 06:35:03 AM · #72
At an amateur talent show, the MC asks if there is anyone in the audience who wants to have a go. A man puts his hand up and says, "Me!"
So the man goes up on stage, carrying a sledge hammer. "All you have to do is hit me in the head with this hammer," he says.
"But I can't do that," says the MC.
"Oh, it's quite all right. Just here," says the guy, pointing to a spot on his head. "No problem."
"Well, if you say so," says the MC, and he takes the hammer and wallops the man on the point indicated.
Of course, the man slumps to the ground, unconscious. An ambulance is called and he's taken to the hospital, where he remains in a coma for several days.
Then one day, just as the doctors are doing their rounds, the man suddenly sits up, spreads out his arms and says, "Ta-daaa!"

(Original by S.Milligan.)
06/03/2014 09:25:58 AM · #73
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06/03/2014 09:44:02 AM · #74
A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: 'Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.
She says to a man next to her: 'The driver just insulted me!' The man says: 'You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.'

Wishing you a good & speedy recovery, Robert.
06/03/2014 09:58:04 AM · #75
Q: What do you call a bear in the rain?
A: A drizzly bear

Q: Have you ever seen a man-eating polar bear?
A: No, but down at the restaurant I once saw a man eating chicken!

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