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DPChallenge Forums >> General Discussion >> a "let's cheer up Bear-Music" thread
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Showing posts 26 - 50 of 210, (reverse)
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06/02/2014 02:43:37 PM · #26
A dad walks into a restaurant with his two boys, a 6 year old and a 4 year old. They sit down and the waitress starts taking their order.

"What do you want, Honey?" she asks the 6 year old.

"I'll have a Goddamn cheeseburger!" he replies. Dad smacks him in the head so hard he falls off the chair.

The waitress, embarrassed, tries to ignore the scene by asking the 4 year old, "And what would you like, Sweetie?"

He replies, "Well you can bet your ass I'm not getting a Goddamn cheeseburger."
06/02/2014 03:02:36 PM · #27
Originally posted by Bear_Music:

Actually, what would "cheer me up" would be some jokes or something ;-0

From the thread about your interview some time ago ...
Originally posted by Bear_Music:

Originally posted by tnun:

It was good. Deaf person with a good ear for poetry. Only thing lacking was commentary by Karma.


Karma says "Woof! Woof!", which is about the extent of her communicative capabilities ...

R.

<detour>
A man takes his dog into a bar and asks for two beers. The irate bartender says "Get that dog outta here!"

"You don't understand," says the man, "this is a talking dog."

"Oh, sure," says the bartender, "we better hear him talk right now."

The man turns to the dog and asks "What's on top of this building?"

"Rrrrroof," replies the dog.

"That's not talking," says the bartender, starting to make his way around the counter.

"Wait," says the man, that's not all. "What's the most popular mini-series of all time?" he asks.

"Rrrrrroots," says the dog, as the other patrons begin to clear the way for the seemingly inevitible action to follow.

"Hold on, one more," says the man desperately. "Who's the greatest baseball player of all time?"

The dog, glad to know the answer to this one too, joyfully yelps out "Rrrrruth," at which point the bartender grabs them by their respective collars and flings them through the front door.

Outside, on the sidewalk, the dog turns to the man and says "Gee, do you think I should have said Mickey Mantle?"
</detour>
06/02/2014 03:05:33 PM · #28
An eye doctor, a heart surgeon and an HMO executive die and are in heaven. God asks the eye doctor why he should be let into heaven, and the doctor explains to God that he helped people save or regain their sight. God says, "Welcome to heaven, my son."

God then asks the heart surgeon what he had done in life that should allow him into heaven. "I saved people from death from heart attacks and heart disease," the doctor replies. "Welcome to heaven, my son," God says.

God then turns to the HMO executive. God asked him what he was, and the man replied that he worked for an HMO. "Welcome to heaven, my son," says God, "but you have to leave in two days."
06/02/2014 03:07:00 PM · #29
That's it! Keep 'em coming! snicker!
06/02/2014 03:08:04 PM · #30
When I'm back from the hospital, I'll award a DPC Cap to the joke that cracked me up the most!
06/02/2014 03:08:25 PM · #31
A husband and wife go to a restaurant. The waiter approaches the table to take their order.

"I'll have your biggest, juiciest steak," says the husband.

"But sir, what about the mad cow?" asks the waiter.

"Oh," says the husband, "she'll order for herself."
06/02/2014 03:09:11 PM · #32
Oh what the duck?
06/02/2014 03:09:53 PM · #33
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''
06/02/2014 03:14:55 PM · #34
Originally posted by Bear_Music:

When I'm back from the hospital, I'll award a DPC Cap to the joke that cracked me up the most!


How about for the dumbest joke?

Why do chicken coops only have 2 doors?

Because if they had 4 it would be called a chicken sedan. :P
06/02/2014 03:18:27 PM · #35
The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.

Three weeks later, a bear walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the bear's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"

"Not really," said the bear. "Your name is written inside the cover."
06/02/2014 03:28:16 PM · #36
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created. Suddenly, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could, but he tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him.

At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Thank you, Lord, for this food which I am about to receive."

Copyrighted_Image_Reuse_Prohibited_352677.jpg Wishing you a fast & complete recovery, Robert.
06/02/2014 03:35:50 PM · #37
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06/02/2014 03:37:03 PM · #38
An Irishman has been relocated from Dublin, Ireland, to Dublin, Ohio, for work. It's not at all like home, and he's terribly homesick. He misses his family most of all.
He finds an Irish pub, as you could in any town, and has a set of Jamesons lined up on the bar: one each for him, his brother and his father. He downs them all and it helps.

He makes this a tradition over his time in town, and carries it on long enough that he befriends the bartender and other staff, and many of the patrons.

He enters the bar one day absolutely beside himself. He's an emotional wreck, tears welled up in his eyes. He makes his way to the bar and instead of three, orders two Jamesons.

"My gosh," says the bartender. "You've ordered two shots. Is everything OK at home? Is it your father?"

The Irishman drinks one down and stares blankly ahead. "No," he says.

"Is it your brother? Not your brother," hopes the bartender.

The Irishman drinks the other shot and his head drops is sorrow. "No," he repeats.

"Well what is it then?" pleads the bartender. "You ordered two shots and not three, but your father is OK and your brother is OK. What's put you in such a lousy state?"

The Irishman looks up in sorrow and answers, "I quit drinking."
06/02/2014 04:01:33 PM · #39
31.gif Isaac and I just made this one up yesterday ...

Recent research has shown that prospective car buyers are eight times more likely to explode into violent rages when visiting Honda dealerships than those of any other manufacturer.

The exact cause of this phenomenon is still unknown, but some researchers speculate that it might be because Honda salesmen so aggresively persist in suggesting that the customers should have a FIT.

Copyrighted_Image_Reuse_Prohibited_1115385.jpg

Message edited by author 2014-06-02 16:02:43.
06/02/2014 04:09:48 PM · #40
A fifty-ish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.
Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look?, What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care, I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."

The husband said, "What did he say about your 56 year old ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

Men . . . They just never know when to shut up, do they?
06/02/2014 04:09:54 PM · #41
My husband sent this to me, so I thought the men would appreciate it.

CURTAIN RODS ---
On the first day after his divorce, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.
On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, a bottle of spring-water, 3 cans of sardines. When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar, and some sardines into the hollow center of the curtain rods. He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss.
Then, slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house. Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house. Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10 nth of what the house had been worth ... but only if he would sign the papers that very day. He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.
A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ......
and to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods!
I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?
06/02/2014 04:17:30 PM · #42
This is the story about a railroad crew that befriended a monkey named Bobo. The railroaders would play with Bobo and feed him and really treat him nice. In fact, they taught the monkey to give hand signals and run the engine and to even read a switch list and switch out the cars. Soon Bobo got to be so good at it that the guys would let the monkey do their work while they went fishing. One day the Trainmaster caught the guys fishing while Bobo was doing the work. All of the railroaders got fired on the spot. A couple of months later the railroaders got a letter from the company. It was a great flowery piece and reinstated all of the railroaders to their former positions with all back pay. It was signed by Trainmaster Bobo.
06/02/2014 04:21:43 PM · #43
Here is a joke on youTube

//www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZChycU5gobg

Message edited by author 2014-06-02 16:21:48.
06/02/2014 04:29:36 PM · #44
A blonde has sharp pains in her side. The doctor examines her and says, "You have acute appendicitis."

The blonde says, "That's sweet, doc, but I came here to get medical help."
06/02/2014 04:35:53 PM · #45
I was on a business trip this winter and we were flying over a pretty bad storm. Now, I don't mind flying or a bit of turbulence, so i was explaining to the other passengers that we're going to be perfectly safe and that the pilots and plane have seen this sort of thing before when all of a sudden the lights dim and the plane starts a rapid, uncontrolled descent - we're falling out of the sky.
Nearby a young woman who was on the verge of tears from the turbulence stands up and screams "if i'm going to die, i want to die feeling like a real woman. Can anybody here rise to that occasion?"
So, calmly, i stood up, smiled at her as she started walking towards me. I took off my shirt, passed it to her and said "Here. Iron this for me", then i walked over to the stewardess' cart, opened a beer, turned around and asked her what she was waiting for.
06/02/2014 04:37:21 PM · #46
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to playing cards a few times a week.

One day when playing cards, one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends a long time, but I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
06/02/2014 05:25:58 PM · #47
Tom was in his early 50s, retired and started a second career. However, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day, he was five, 10, 15 minutes late. But, he was a good worker and real sharp, so the boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it.

Finally, one day he called Tom into his office for a talk. "Tom, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic. You do a bang-up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Air Force. What did they say if you came in late there"?

"They said, 'Good morning, General.'"
06/02/2014 05:26:39 PM · #48
LOL. Keep 'em coming!
06/02/2014 05:36:34 PM · #49
Sorry bout the caps, it came that way:

An "old" lady story, for and "old" bear:

SHE WALKED
UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCH RAIL.
AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING THE DUST FROM HER FACE
AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE
SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY
IN THE OTHER.

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND
LAUGHED, SAYING, "HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER
DANCED?"

THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID,
"NO, I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED
TO."

A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND
SAID, "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE
NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.

THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR - NOT WANTING TO GET HER
TOE BLOWN OFF -STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY
WAS LAUGHING.

WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUN-
SLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED
AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.

THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A
DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.
THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT
AIR. THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS TOO, AND HE
TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST
DEAFENING.

THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT
THE OLD WOMEN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN
BARRELS.

THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD
WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU
EVER LICKED A MULE'S ASS?"

THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD
AND SAID, "NO MAM.....BUT......I'VE ALWAYS WANTED
TO."

THERE ARE A FEW LESSONS FOR US ALL HERE:

1 - Never be arrogant

2 - Don't waste ammunition.

3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you
are.

4 - Always, always make sure you know who has the power.

5 - Don't mess with old women; they didn't get old
by being stupid.

I JUST LOVE A STORY WITH A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?
06/02/2014 06:03:57 PM · #50
wishing the best for you Robert. Hoping your surgery goes well, and you have a speedy recovery.
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