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09/17/2004 04:37:30 PM · #1 |
Hi all,
Sometimes it's better to share, than to sit and hold on to something.
Today is my son's 18th birthday.
About a year ago, he asked to move out, across town, with a good friend's family to maintain his sanity, as he couldn't stand living
in the house anymore, basically because of his stepmom. Before I would let things degrade in their (and our) relationships, I opted to let him.
It's never been a problem, his grades are good, active in the community, well liked, a HS senior & CA State-ranked wrestler, basically a parents dream kid.
A couple of weeks ago, he sent me an email stating that he was going to emancipate himself (today) so he wouldn't have to deal with getting
permission in life for whatever, and not putting me in a sitatuation of choosing between him or my wife.
Here is the letter I sent him today:
Yo,
Well today is the day ANY parent should be looking forward to - the day their last child becomes an adult.
Zac, you've been there some time ago, though not legally. You are what I would consider the ideal son.
You are easy going, easy to like, responsible, honest, can be trusted and counted on when needed.
I am so proud of you and who you are.
Does today make me want to jump for joy and feel relieved that I don't have to be legally responsible for you?
Quite the opposite - it's ripping my heart out in a way. I have always felt that we had a sort of special bond
and connection that went beyond the biological parent-kid thing. I know the day is coming when you "leave
the nest" and go off on your own, in control of your life. I hope that doesn't change what we have together.
I am so sorry that I let Dawn get between us. I know there is nothing I can do to take it back, and for that,
I can never forgive her. Funny how everyone adores Dawn, yet the two closest and most important people
in my life can't stand her - you and your older sister. All kids hate their parents/step parents at times, and is usually
because of authority issues or not being able to get what they want. I think it goes beyond that with you two.
What else can I say but I'm sorry for that. I won't spend another day allowing it to happen, at whatever cost.
Personally, I can tell you I have no future with her, and I'm there for you in any way you need me. I think you
know I always have been, and feel cheated that in the last few years, when you really needed me, I wasn't
there for you. I made the mistake of letting someone else cloud my judgment as to avoid having to deal
with issues, I allowed it to be swept under the carpet.
It's rare when a parent feels close enough to their kid(s) to talk with their kids like this. It's the way it should be.
It's kinda' neat, and hope it will always be like this. I am looking forward to the next 18 years, hopefully being
involved in your life enough to watch you grow into the man I can foresee.
Happy Birthday Son.
I love you with everything that is me.
PS. I have no idea of what your plans are today, and am sure you have things going on,
so let me know when is a good time to get together, as I have something for you.
Dad
Just a vent, or a rant, or whatever. Been a strange day.....
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09/17/2004 04:46:23 PM · #2 |
Hey, Brad, as the parent of a 14-year-old, I am personally so afraid of the next 4 years at times. I certainly feel for you right now. I am a little ocnfused as to the inter-relationships you are writing about and how this leaves you and your wife. My deepest hope is for my daughter and I to keep our love through the years, and I hope the same for you and your son.
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09/17/2004 05:00:10 PM · #3 |
Dear Brad,
I'd be willing to bet that things will get much better with your son as he gets older. Our son is 25 now and though he still has a few issues with us things are much more comfortable.
When he was 18 and started his first year of college, he seemed to just hate us. Now, it's so much better.
One of the hardest things to do with your children is to let go. Sometimes, even now - our 25 year old son does such foolish (to us) things and it's REALLY hard to bite your tongue and not tell him how we feel.
Always remember - there isn't a parent on earth who hasn't had some type of this problem with their kids. |
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09/17/2004 05:02:38 PM · #4 |
| Your letter makes me feel quite sad, as this is the letter I wish I could have received when I was 18 from one of my parents. Well done. |
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09/17/2004 05:09:15 PM · #5 |
Dear Brad
*hug* Your children are blessed to have you as a parent.
sue |
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09/17/2004 05:13:27 PM · #6 |
I'm very happy for you, having the guys to write that letter. At the same time, the question plagues me of what happened between your wife and your son. But I won't ask it.
I just want to say, that yes, things will get a thousand times better with your kids as they grow and mature - and deal with similar situations from your end. Kind of "walking a mile in your shoes". You truly don't feel that way with your wife: that with time it will get better?
I really don't know the situation and I'm not judging, it's just hard to hear about marriages breaking up. Even tougher to actually deal with it, of course. |
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09/17/2004 05:33:27 PM · #7 |
Great letter, Brad, and indeed tough to write. I gave it a 9 for just the right mix of emotion and color, but took off a bit for the bland title. A more creative title like, "The Break of Dawn" probably would have earned a 10 easy. ;-)
Seriously though, I grew up with four different stepfathers- so been there, done that (repeatedly). Good luck! |
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09/17/2004 05:35:06 PM · #8 |
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09/17/2004 09:16:54 PM · #9 |
Brad,
My heart goes out to you. While I can't begin to imagine what it's been like around there the past couple years, I get the feeling that everything is going to be alright. If your boy has been able to hold his own the past year, chances are he's got his head on straight. And something tells me that he's probably known what you wrote before you wrote it. Good luck to all of you. Peace be with you,
Skip |
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09/17/2004 09:38:12 PM · #10 |
Hey Brad,
Great letter…. I have to call my parents now. Works been so busy for that last month I just realized I haven't talked to them in weeks.
Thanks for Sharing.....
P.S. I'm sure the bond between you and your son will grow...I know the last ten years have been the best for my dad and me.
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09/17/2004 10:08:13 PM · #11 |
Originally posted by Sammie:
Dear Brad,
I'd be willing to bet that things will get much better with your son as he gets older. Our son is 25 now and though he still has a few issues with us things are much more comfortable.
When he was 18 and started his first year of college, he seemed to just hate us. Now, it's so much better.
One of the hardest things to do with your children is to let go. Sometimes, even now - our 25 year old son does such foolish (to us) things and it's REALLY hard to bite your tongue and not tell him how we feel.
Always remember - there isn't a parent on earth who hasn't had some type of this problem with their kids. |
I remember when I was 18, my Father didn't know a doggone thing. By the time I was 25 I was amazed at how much he had learned in the past 7 years! :) |
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09/17/2004 10:30:55 PM · #12 |
Sent you a PM. Hang in there!
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09/17/2004 11:17:17 PM · #13 |
| Hey brad: I certainly hope that the future and providence create a healing bridge to alleviate the heavy hearts which are ripped asunder by external circumstances. My best wishes go out to you, your son and all whom may be involved. |
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09/17/2004 11:49:56 PM · #14 |
Brad, with your heart and your son's good nature, you two are bound to be close in life, whatever happens. I see your love of small, joyful things in your photographs and I feel it from your letter. This is the kind of attitude and skills that will keep your relationship with your son successful. I hope that when my oldest daughter is 18, I can be as good a dad. Thanks for sharing.
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09/18/2004 12:10:38 AM · #15 |
As a stepmom I say this for all (we have feelings too). I know situations are different but thankyou for sharing yours, it will help remind me of my relationship with my stepdaughter (14) It has been a hard 5 years but the next can only be easier. I try more to be her friend (With limits) rather then a parent and let my husband do all the rest, even though her mother is never around and thats what she needs most as a teen girl.
Anyways good luck and hope things go well, your son should be able to understand and probably already does.
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09/20/2004 01:53:40 PM · #16 |
To all that responded here and in PM's - THANK YOU.
The support and shoulders mean a so much.
Part of the reasoning I posted this was that maybe someone else could benefit from it. We get so wrapped up in our daily lives that we often go through life with blinders on. Sometimes things are so close we can see it happening, or don't want to see it.
In my case, my son & I really are best friends. He is a parent's dream child: Grades are good, well-liked in school, well-liked in the community, has a fantastic outlook on life, a good future ahead of him, a good sense of humor and a responsible head on his shoulders.
Being stuck in the middle of two very important people is not fun. A husband has to support his wife, yet be there for their child. Pretty much a no-win situation - somebody was going to lose after this 3-4 year conflict, and in many ways, feel it was me.
I let my son move out and stay with friends a year ago to maintain his sanity & happiness, as I could not stand watching him get nit-picked by someone that has never had kids, nor understands that kids ARE kids. They ARE brain-damaged so to speak, ego-centric and will not think and be responsible at the same level that we adults are. He hasn't had any problems to date living with friends, and have stayed close with him (only 1-2 miles away). He is and ALWAYS be my son, and one of my best friends, and that is something I should never have to make choices on.
What a rant huh? Welcome to life and it's imperfections.
Hope someone can benefit from this "dirty laundry".
Thanks again for the eyes & ears and your supporting shoulders.
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09/20/2004 07:38:11 PM · #17 |
| Sent you a PM. Hang in there, buddy. |
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09/20/2004 07:56:55 PM · #18 |
Brad, you are a strong man. I just wish every parent would care for their children like you seem to. I really hope things get better and that you can continue focussing attention on your kids.
Best of luck.
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09/20/2004 08:13:37 PM · #19 |
| Brad, sent you a PM - hope it helps. |
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09/20/2004 08:15:17 PM · #20 |
First off, this post is not meant to be offensive at all. Maybe this should have went to you via a PM, but since you thought it was best for us all to read about what was going on, I felt it was appropriate to reply in public.
Having been in the same position as your son as a teenager, and being a father now myself, I have one question for you.
If you are indeed so close to your son and you feel your wife is the problem with your relationship with your son, why the hell is she even in the picture anymore?
Your son is your flesh and blood. Don't ever let anything or anyone ruin that relationship.
My father and I went through this exact same thing (without the legal emancipation). I moved away from Indiana to Florida to live with my mother because my step-mom and I couldn't get along and our bickering was affecting my father's relationship with his wife. I came back shortly to finish school and as soon as I graduated I moved out of the house and moved away and we didn't talk much. It took him 12 years to realize he made a mistake in that marriage and they divorced.
After he divorced we talked more, but I still held a lot of resentment for him choosing his wife over his sons (I also have a younger brother that went through this). He's been divorced from her for about 7 years now and we have a much better relationship now, but there was about about 8 years that we lost.
I actually think your son is the one that is losing out. If he would go as far as to emancipate himself from you, he is really hurting inside. It's great that you are such good friends, but to me it sounds like he feels he has lost his father. I like having a friend to hang out with, but it's nothing like having a father to look up to.
I honestly do feel for you and your son and hope you can work things out. I apologize if this sounded offensive or blunt. I just wanted to give you a little input from someone that has stood in your son's shoes.
Best of luck.
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09/21/2004 01:11:11 AM · #21 |
Chris, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for sharing this.
Offensive? Not on your life!
I appreciate you speaking your mind and relating a been there, done that, real life situation. It helps to get perspective on things that can be a bit overwhealming. Not really where I wanted to be in my life, and have found it too easy to paint my life to others as all happy & brightly colored, when in fact it hasn't been.
Hope someone else can get something out of this whole "drop your life on the world's table" thread.
It has helped me regain my values as to what is really important in life - blood IS thicker than water.
Kind regards,
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