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Showing posts 1 - 25 of 732, (reverse)
07/26/2004 01:17:49 AM · #1
Everyone on this sight who posts on the forums seems to be so serious. At lweast that what it seems like to me. So I figured I would lighten things up a bit and create a thread that is the opposite of serious. So, if you have any jokes or funny stories then post them here and brighten up someone's day.
07/26/2004 01:24:04 AM · #2
07/26/2004 01:26:35 AM · #3
A neutron walks into a bar and asked the bartender for a beer. The bartender serves the beer. The neutron asks, "How much do I owe you?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge!"
07/26/2004 01:30:37 AM · #4
a horse walks into a bar and the bartender says: "why the long face?"
07/26/2004 01:32:45 AM · #5
Two muffins are sitting in an oven, one looks over to the other and says, "Man it sure is hot in here." and the other muffin replies, "AAAHHH A TALKING MUFFIN!!"
07/26/2004 01:36:38 AM · #6
Two ducks are out playing in a pond and they meet a little frog. They all become friends and play together in the pond every day. One day, the pond dries up. The ducks say, "Let's go find another pond to play in. We'll just fly around until we see one." The frog complains, "Yeah, easy for you to do. You just fly around, find another pond, and there you are. I'm pretty much stuck here. Unless..." The frog hatches a plan. The ducks find a stick, and each one puts one end in his bill. Then, the frog grabs on to the middle of the stick with his mouth, holds on really tight with his jaw, and the ducks fly to the new pond. So, they take off, and they've been flying for a little while. Some farmer on the ground looks up, sees the whole operation, and says, "Wow, that's pretty cool. I wonder who came up with that idea?" The frog, proud of himself, shouts out with mouth wide open, "I DID!"

07/26/2004 01:37:06 AM · #7
Five surgeons are discussing who has the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table
because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything
inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers.
Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.

07/26/2004 01:40:08 AM · #8
How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?


Message edited by author 2004-07-26 01:41:08.
07/26/2004 01:59:21 AM · #9
A man takes his dog into a bar and asks for two beers. The irate bartender says "Get that dog outta here!"

"You don't understand," says the man, "this is a talking dog."

"Oh, sure," says the bartender, "we better hear him talk right now."

The man turns to the dog and asks "What's on top of this building?"

"Rrrrroof," replies the dog.

"That's not talking," says the bartender, starting to make his way around the counter.

"Wait," says the man, that's not all. "What's the most popular mini-series of all time?" he asks.

"Rrrrrroots," says the dog, as the other patrons begin to clear the way for the seemingly inevitible action to follow.

"Hold on, one more," says the man desperately. "Who's the greatest baseball player of all time?"

The dog, glad to know the answer to this one too, joyfully yelps out "Rrrrruth," at which point the bartender grabs them by their respective collars and flings them through the front door.

Outside, on the sidewalk, the dog turns to the man and says "Gee, do you think I should have said Mickey Mantle?"
07/26/2004 02:05:03 AM · #10
People who live in glass houses shouldn't get stoned
07/26/2004 02:11:00 AM · #11
One my mother told me this afternoon:

A grandfather had his young granddaughter on this lap as he read her a story. As he read, she reached up and touched his cheek, then touched hers and went back to listening to the story. After several times of her doing this the old man asked her if something was wrong.

She replied with a question, "Did god make you?"

The old man replied, "Yes, a long time ago."

The girl then asked, "Did he make me, too?"

To which her grandfather said, "Yes he did, just a little while back."

At that, the little girl got a very satisfied look on her face, nodded and said, "He is getting better at it, isn't he?"


/edit: spelling

Message edited by author 2004-07-26 02:11:43.
07/26/2004 04:20:23 AM · #12
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed up, we could get rid of your control-top panty hose".

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."

Well, this was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his "wackie".

With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man and your brother."

07/26/2004 04:27:06 AM · #13
I send a few e-mails round at work to friends with web links, here's some of them (Think I've aldready posted a few here)

Hide your pot noodle! : //www.gluelondon.com/creativeshowcase/hysterical_girlfriend/main.html

Anyone hungry? : //www.anothersite.co.uk/forum/viewtopic.php?t=2408

Look at the t*ts on this : (It is safe for work...) //www.anothersite.co.uk/forum/viewtopic.php?t=2847

A Blond Pole Dancer : (It is safe for work...) //uk.download.yahoo.com/ne/fu/attachments/blondepoledancer.jpg

Snail & Pace : //www.liptonicetea.co.uk/game.asp Quite difficult!!

Bash The Haggis : //www.bashthehaggis.com

Bubbles : //www.freepgs.com/mindistortion/games/bubbles.htm

Trampoline : //www.123games.dk/game/sport/trampolinetrickz/trampolinetrickz_eng.htm

Flying Saucer : //www.koreus.com/files/200406/plasticsaucer.html

Message edited by author 2004-07-26 04:27:40.
07/26/2004 06:56:24 AM · #14
Two potatoes are standing on a street corner. Which one of them is a prostitute?

The one that says, "Idaho".
07/26/2004 07:00:01 AM · #15
Two guys walk into a bar.... You'd think one of them would have see it.
07/26/2004 07:23:55 AM · #16
Two canibals are eating a clown that they had just cooked. One turned to other and asked "Does this taste funny to you?"
07/26/2004 08:32:47 AM · #17
knock knock

07/26/2004 08:34:13 AM · #18
Who's there?
07/26/2004 09:00:09 AM · #19
A older couple decide to go to the doctor, to see him for there lost of memory. The doctor tells them the older they get, they may need to write things down, so they will not forget.

Later that night after dinner they are watching tv, the old man gets up and starts heading for the kitchen. She says where are you going? He said, to get a snack. She said I want some too. He said, what do you want? She said ice cream, you better write that down. He said, I can remember that. She said, I want chocolate syrup on it, you better write that down. He said I can remember that too. He get a few steps and she says again, I want cherries also, she says you better write that down. He just storms of into the kitchen.

After being gone for about 30 mins. He comes back and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs...She looks up at him, with a strange look and says...where's my toast.
07/26/2004 10:05:02 AM · #20
Why dont witches wear panties?

To get a better grip on the broomstick....

07/26/2004 10:07:02 AM · #21
So 2 lesbians are sitting at a bar drinking. Another one passes by.

The first one says: "Wow, she's hot"

The second one replies: "Yeah (sigh), and I hear she's hung like a doughnut".

Message edited by author 2004-07-26 10:08:34.
07/26/2004 10:08:09 AM · #22
OMG wuuhahahahahahahhahaah! Better not be thinking naughty thoughts though.

Originally posted by grigrigirl:

Why dont witches wear panties?

To get a better grip on the broomstick....


07/26/2004 10:12:18 AM · #23

Originally posted by Jacko:

OMG wuuhahahahahahahhahaah! Better not be thinking naughty thoughts though.

Originally posted by grigrigirl:

Why dont witches wear panties?

To get a better grip on the broomstick....


07/26/2004 10:16:38 AM · #24
Newlyweds on their honeymoon driving to their destination.
The husband decides to pull over and help an apparently stranded motorist at the side of the road.
Things went tragic from there....the stranded motorist was only a ruse and he was actually a robber. He pulled a gun on the couple and ordered them out of their car. He relieved them of all they had, wallet, purse, watches jewellery, luggage, cell phone and car keys.
As the villain drove off with all they possessed the groom looked at his new bride and she was smiling.
He shook his head."Incredible". It's our honeymoon, we just got stripped of everything and you smile."
The bride brought here hand up to her mouth and spit out her engagement ring and wedding band.
The groom laughed. "We should've brought your mother...we could have saved the luggage!"

Message edited by author 2004-07-26 10:17:27.
07/26/2004 10:36:01 AM · #25
Mr. Frog wanted to remodel his lilly pad, so he goes to the bank to get a loan, to fund his remodeling project.
At the the bank he talks to the loan officer Patty Black. Patty explains to Mr. Frog that he will need some collateral to secure the loan.
Mr. Frog explains that his only possesion is a small model of the Statue of Liberty.
Bewildered, and not wanting to dissapoint Mr. Frog, Patty excuses herself to discuss the situation his her boss.
In her boss's office, Patty tells him about the frog and how his only collateral is this stupid little statue.
To this her boss replies "It's a knick-knack Patty Black, give the frog a loan."
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