Is It Worth It??? - DPChallenge Forums

Samsung Galaxy S21, S21+, S21 Ultra

08/09/2005 11:40:02 PM · #1

As I posted a while back I recently started a new job after being a stay-at-home mom for four years. For just a little background info, I have a little girl, who just turned 4, and a little boy, who will be 1 in less than a month. I love my job, I really do, it's part-time doing something that I enjoy and gets me out in the world to have some adult interaction, anyway, my daughter is having an extremely hard time adjusting to day-care, I thought it was getting better, when I first started, the crying would start the night before a work night, and start again first thing in the morning and last all the way up to the front door of the day-care, sometimes I had to carry her in as she was begging me not to go, this has gotten better through time, she still usually cries in the morning, but not nearly as dramatic. She tells me that she likes playing with the kids, but she doesn't like missing me. Still I thought it was getting better.

Now I come to today, I went to pick her up after work today to find out that she tried escaping to come to my work to see me. She goes to an in home daycare with a completely fenced in yard, with the latch on the outside of the gate. In late morning, the day-care provider let's the older children play outside, while she stays in with the babies, again it is a completely fenced in yard. well today, my daughter piled up a bunch of toys and was trying to reach the latch on the outside of the gate so she could come see me, luckily one of the other kids went and told on her before she was able to get the gate open. This scared me to death when I found this out. I knew she was having problems being away from me, but one thing that I was always sure of is that she was in a safe environment, now knowing that she could have been out in the middle of the street or wondered off, or god knows what has me a little shaken.

Anyway, sorry for the long post, I'm just curious if anyone else here has gone through this, and does it get better? All the other kids at day-care have been there since infants so that is just the way it has always been for them, any words of advice?

I will greatly appreciate any input anyone has to offer!

Bear_Music

Sony 24-70mm F4 Vario-Tessar T* FE OSS

08/09/2005 11:44:58 PM · #2

If you don't "need" (really need) the money, it's not worth it. You have a lifetime to be an adult, and she only has a few years to be a child. You understand the concept of deferred gratification, she doesn't. Try to find some work you can do out of your home?

Robt. (who was the stay-at-home-parent for quite a few years)

deapee

Kodak V803

Nikon AF Nikkor 50mm f/1.8D

08/09/2005 11:49:05 PM · #3

uhm...I think you need to find another day care. My girlfriend has been doing daycare since she was 18 -- she's not 24 -- of course part time, and in the summers. Her mother owns a day care (it's 4 buildings, 2 play yards, and well, it's a rather large day care to say the least).

There are strict laws, and it sounds like someone is not properly watching your daughter. If you are worried about her safety, then something should definately be done.

Either way, daycare is a good place for kids...when under the right care. They get to be around other kids more than others -- and away from their parents (which is a good thing), and kids who go to day care and learn to respect other people than their parents will have an easier time at school respecting the teachers, and also respecting the other kids as well.

Plus, it gives you some free time...like I said...if you're truly concerned about your daughter's safety, that concern should be addressed, or you should move on and contact the proper authorities.

Canon 12x IS USM (S3 IS built-in Lens) -- 36-432mm (35mm EQ)

08/09/2005 11:49:46 PM · #4

You can also do what I've done a lot, and arrange a safe place for her at work and take here there.

LoudDog

Canon EOS-350D Rebel XT

Canon EF 17-40mm f/4L USM

08/09/2005 11:50:46 PM · #5

I'm not a parent so take my $.02 for what it's worth...

She will need to learn to adapt some day. In the next year or two she will be in kindergaten, will it be easier then or now?

Maybe find a daycare center where she has so much fun she doesn't think about trying to escape?

Canon EF-S 55-250mm f/4-5.6 IS

08/09/2005 11:51:10 PM · #6

Honestly, before the day-care provider told me about this incident today, I did not know that the "older" kids were allowed to play outside by themselves, I wasn't overly happy with that, I never let my daughter go outside by herself when we are at home, though we do not have a fenced in yard.

Canon EOS-60D

08/09/2005 11:51:55 PM · #7

My program at school has an on-site day care for the children of students enrolled in our district. We deal with little ones that have a hard time adjusting, and it's perfectly normal. They don't know...they're confused, scared, and miss their mommies. The advice I give our parents is to continue to bring them EVERY day. Establishing a routine is the key factor in helping her to get through the transition. Some kids realize more quickly than others that mommy really is coming back. Some take two or three weeks. It's damn tough on the moms. They want to stop bringing the babies, because it hurts to see them cry. But if you stop bringing them, they become more confused, and you reinforce the fact that if they cry, they get what they want (your attention) instead of what they need. I am certain you have a wonderful relationship with your caregiver and trust them with your daughter, and now that everyone sees the creative lengths she might go to in order to escape, more precautions can be made. Reassure your daughter that at X:XX time you will be there. Show her on the clock what that looks like. 4 year olds can't tell time, but they can recognize clock faces. They can also ask what time it is. If it is after her afternoon snack, tell her that's when you will be there (or after she gets up from nap, or story time, or whatever happens right around the time you go to pick her up). This gives her something to look forward to and an expectation to which she can relate. Let her bring a comfort toy with her, a doll or stuffed animal, that helps soothe her. But the most important thing is establishing that routine. Soon she will be ambivalent at best, and you'll wonder why she doesn't miss you while you're at work. ;) Don't give up. You know she is in a safe, loving environment. She needs to test the boundaries like she did today, but she needs to see that you don't give in just because she tested them. Be strong, and let us know how she's doing. PM me if you would like to talk about it more. I wish you both the best! :)

08/09/2005 11:53:15 PM · #8

I have considered moving her, but I am scared that since she is finally starting to adapt an make friends, is moving her the right choice, and making her start all over again.
Also, she will be starting pre-school pretty soon, she is only in day-care Monday, Tuesday, and Friday, starting in a couple weeks she will go to pre-school, Monday, Wednesday, Friday, in the morning until lunch.

Canon 12x IS USM (S3 IS built-in Lens) -- 36-432mm (35mm EQ)

08/09/2005 11:54:49 PM · #9

I second what laurielblack said ...

Canon EF 85mm f/1.2L II USM

08/09/2005 11:56:23 PM · #10

Thank you all so much for your words of encouragement and advice, You have all given me some good things to think about, I truly appreciate it!

mystical_princess

Canon EOS-5D

08/10/2005 12:00:00 AM · #11

I also think you need to keep her in day care, if you start keeping her with you all the time again, it will only get harder as time goes on, for you and her. I have two kids one is 11 the other is 4, and I've had tough times with both of them, but they do adjust and start to learn some independence, which is as satisfiying for them as you. If you could swith daycares I would, but I would not bring her back to being with you all the time. take time and explain to her that youi can't always be there, have her carry a small pic of you with her to comfort her when she needs and encourage her to make you presents at daycare, that way she has a job to do and can look forward to you getting there to get her gift. Hope some of this helps. By the way bribes never hurt either.

RobotBanjo

Canon EOS-5D Mark II

08/10/2005 12:05:37 AM · #12

I never had parents at home as a child because my parents were divorced when I was very young. I went to daycare when it was my mom's weekends and let me tell you, I will NEVER put my children in daycare! It wasn't a terrible experience, it wasn't dangerous to me, it wasn't even boring- but you have not strong bonds made and my mom missed out on me growing up.
While my dad worked (which I lived with him most of the time) I went to my wonderful Grandma's house. This is something I'm greatful for. My grandma is a strong, compassionate woman. I wasn't dumped there though, my dad always made a point to take my brother and sister and I camping often, have funny inside jokes with us, keep us all connected etc. That is a great alternative for dad's I think.
All in all, I wished I would've had a stay at home mom growing up, hoped that helped in any way.

Prof_Fate

08/10/2005 12:06:49 AM · #13

My 4 year old now looks forward to going to daycare - he likes to play with the other kids. My daughter, almost 2, has no issues one way or the other. Since my wife and I both work, some type of daycare has been needed all along.

Last year a bible school (new kids, new environment)he was not happy, eventually was willing to play by himself(not exaclty participating, but not disrupting). He cried, we made him stay. Next week we'll see, and pre-school starts in 3 weeks...my wife is already crying!

We have friends with a son 1 month older than ours. he has never been in daycare, only been away from mom maybe, MAYBE 30 hours total in four years. They tried pre school...too many behavorial issues and they, umm, expelled him. been a year...they're gonna try again. We'll see.

I go with Laurielblack's advice.

Prof_Fate

08/10/2005 12:10:31 AM · #14

Originally posted by mystical_princess:

By the way bribes never hurt either.

YES they DO!
DO NOT get into bribing children to get them to do what you want. YOU are the parent. You say "jump" they respond "How High" NOT 'How Much"!

This is a terrible path to go down. It creates all kinds of issues later on.

karmat

Apple iPhone 7

Canon EF 70-200mm f/4.0L USM

08/10/2005 12:20:05 AM · #15

My issues with day-care are very, very, very biased as I had a very bad experience in one as a child, so take my advice for what it is worth.

Not all children will "adjust," even with a routine. They simply aren't ready -- either mentally, emotionally, or whatever. And, contrary to what society says, that is not a bad thing. They will be independent, when their time comes. One of the most unfortunate "side effects" of how America's system is set up is that we base everything on age. You start Kindergarten at 5 or 6. You read by such and such an age, you do math now, you do this then. Some kids simply don't mature on a simple schedule.

I echo bear_music, they are only little kids for such a short while. If it is not absolutely necessary, don't do it. I taught elementary music classes for two years. In that time, at the beginning of the year, I consistently could pick out which kindergarteners had been to pre-school, and which ones had not. The ones that had not were the ones almost always the ones sitting quietly and listening and following directions. In a couple of weeks, it had all equalized. I understand that there are some situations where it has to be done, and that is just a way of life.

I know I am in the minority on this issue, and that is okay. I would urge you to do what is best for your daughter. You know her better than anyone, and it really doesn't matter a flying flip what we think about the situation. :)

Bear_Music

Samsung Galaxy S21, S21+, S21 Ultra

Sony 24-70mm F4 Vario-Tessar T* FE OSS

08/10/2005 12:26:51 AM · #16

Originally posted by karmat:

I echo bear_music, they are only little kids for such a short while. If it is not absolutely necessary, don't do it. .....

I know I am in the minority on this issue, and that is okay. I would urge you to do what is best for your daughter. You know her better than anyone, and it really doesn't matter a flying flip what we think about the situation. :)

Thanks for the backup, I couldn't BELIEVE nobody agreed with my POV... Personally, I think we've gone WAY overboard with structuring kids' lives, farming them out early and often, etc. I can't imagine NOT wanting to grow with them and dream with them, at that tender age. When they enter the school system is soon enough to let them out into the world.

I'm aware, of course, that many, many parents don't have the option, and I'm sorry for that. I was fortunate that I worked for msyelf, at home.

Robt.

Canon 12x IS USM (S3 IS built-in Lens) -- 36-432mm (35mm EQ)

08/10/2005 12:27:30 AM · #17

You can also offer day care to a couple of other kids and make that your part-time work.

If your job permits, you might telecommute sometimes too.

Message edited by author 2005-08-10 00:27:59.

tsheets

Canon EOS-350D Rebel XT

Tamron SP AF 28-75mm f/2.8 XR Di for Canon

08/10/2005 12:38:14 AM · #18

All the points raised are valid. I understand where Bear is coming from, and Laurie brings up a bunch of good points as well. She is going to be going to pre-school, then kindergarden, and so on. I think she needs to get used to the fact that there are going to be times away from mommy. If not now, it's only going to be worse in a few months. I *would* be concerned about the kids playing outside without the caregiver out there with them, though. Your daughter's safety isn't worth risking, even for a couple of weeks. I'd consider another daycare provider, or some other arrangement until preschool starts.

Just my $0.02 :-)

roadrunner

Canon EOS-20D

Tamron SP AF 17-35mm f/2.8-4 Di LD Aspherical IF for Canon

08/10/2005 12:41:42 AM · #19

Originally posted by bear_music:

Originally posted by karmat:

I echo bear_music, they are only little kids for such a short while. If it is not absolutely necessary, don't do it. .....

I know I am in the minority on this issue, and that is okay. I would urge you to do what is best for your daughter. You know her better than anyone, and it really doesn't matter a flying flip what we think about the situation. :)

Thanks for the backup, I couldn't BELIEVE nobody agreed with my POV... Personally, I think we've gone WAY overboard with structuring kids' lives, farming them out early and often, etc. I can't imagine NOT wanting to grow with them and dream with them, at that tender age. When they enter the school system is soon enough to let them out into the world.

I'm aware, of course, that many, many parents don't have the option, and I'm sorry for that. I was fortunate that I worked for msyelf, at home.

Robt.

DITTO DITTO DITTO..... i have been a stay at home mum for the past 14 years.... and to be totally honest i wouldn't change a thing..... i have so many things to share with my three girls that a lot of other parents don't ...i did the letting go bit by bit.. my youngest is now in year 4 ( she's 10 ) i sometimes go to the school, but not a lot... the transistion was easy, and now they enjoy it so much when they come home from school and tell me what they did for the day... then we set off with the homework, then they help me cook dinner...then our faveourite part of the day is to sit around the dinner table chatting while enjoying something they have helped cook.. they even make their own breakfast and lunch for school in the mornings.... we very very rarely have any yelling of any kind ( other than the laughter ) in our house, especiallly at that crucial time of the day in the mornings.....
From my experience, i have found that when they hit the 2-4 year age group, we tend to treat them as they are older ( considering you jsut been t hrough the 'baby' stage ) , but realistically they are still such babies... they love us sooo unconditionally, and anything thing we do can just totally shatter their world.... take it from me , im reaching the teenage years, and boy has it flown.... i really wish they were 3, 4 and 6 again....
just my 2c worth... but i am thinking of you, it's a terrible decision to have to be confronted with.....

KiwiChris

Canon EOS-5D Mark II

Canon EF 17-40mm f/4L USM

08/10/2005 01:39:00 AM · #20

Our 2y old goes to day care two days a week to get some 'social time' with other kids her same age, as she's currently an only child, and we live in the middle of nowhere.

The first couple of weeks were shocking, but now she knows that on Wedneday morning I drop her off, and Mum picks her up at about 4pm.. She will be waiting at the back door for me to take her. Fridays Kate drops her down then picks her up and brings her to my work for afternoon tea...

As Laurie said, it's a routine thing. Phoebe gets quite put out if we change the routine even a little..

One thing that helped the transistion is that Kate and I both spent some time at the Day care with her, so she got used to the environment with us around, so it wasn't so scary when we left them there.. This also helped us become confident that the place was looking after her well. (And it was more fun than working..)

Cheers, Me.

datcat

Canon EOS-5D Mark II

Canon EF 24-105mm f/4.0L IS

08/10/2005 01:41:38 AM · #21

I'm pretty much a stay at home mum as well, I have worked a couple of years here and there at times when I have needed to, either for the money or for a distraction (after the still birth of my full term little boy). I understand that times are hard and many mums need to work too. When youngest boy was in kindy I used to volunteer a couple of times a week to help out at the school and I watched my bright, eager child, who loved to learn, change. He was unhappy, did not enjoy the school "day". He experienced a disenchantment that came too soon in life for a five year old. I decided that he/we did not have to live this way, dictated to by an education system that was geared to serve the norm. Even though I have a lot of respect for the teachers, I don't like the system, I don't think a 5 year old needs to spend six hours a day away from home. I know that there a lots of kids that thrive in a classroom situation, but not all people are the same. At the end of the school year I told the teachers my children would not be returning and they would be home schooled. One of the teachers told my older son that he would not "learn anything" at home. Ha! I had to teach him two years worth of maths to bring him up to speed! I have been told that my kids are not "being socialised" if they don't go to school, as if penning healthy young boys in a sit-down environment all day is normal. What is normal?

It IS a sacrifice to do this, but the return is worth it. I know my children are happy and stress free. They will be grown up SO soon, I can wait a bit longer to spend my days as I please. This is just my experience and I'm not advocating this as a better way, but there are alternatives out there if things are not working out.

Message edited by author 2005-08-10 03:12:53.

naomik

Nikon D800

Nikon AF-S NIKKOR 70-200mm f/2.8G ED VR II

08/10/2005 02:05:44 AM · #22

I stayed at home for both my daughters now 19 and 11. I'm still at home. I enjoyed evry minute of it. We have a very close bond. Both my girls were above average at school. I used to make every trip to the shops a learning experience. They never went to preschool. Both are well adjusted intelligent human beings. My girls know even now that they can depend on me being there for them anytime, night or day. But that's just my story. It may work differently for others.

TooCool

Canon EOS-300D Rebel

Canon EF 50mm f/1.8 II

08/10/2005 02:16:52 AM · #23

In case no one else has said it :-) , unless there is a dire need for the $$$, stay at home! I would if I could and I ain't a mom...