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04/07/2006 12:36:08 AM · #1 |
The Unauthorized Beginner's Guide to DPC
1. DPC is not a democracy; it’s a joint dictatorship.
2. D&L stands for Drew & Langdon. They started this site for their own entertainment, and are the dictators.
3. SC stands for “Site Council”. These are benevolent, overworked volunteers who never seem to tire of babysitting us and making sure the site remains “user friendly”. They are also available to blame anytime you behave inappropriately and are too arrogant or ignorant to take responsibility for your actions.
4. Read the Forum Rules before posting in the forums.
5. Read the Tutorials.
6. Re-read this tutorial before submitting to a challenge. Tiny, pixilated images never score well.
7. Use the Forum Search option to look for previous threads, before starting a new one. There’s a 99% chance it’s already been brought up a million times.
8. Don’t post giant photos in threads. Some people find it extremely annoying because they have dialup, and the rest of us just find it extremely annoying.
9. Refer to the Challenge History before suggesting a new challenge. It’s probably already been done at least once.
10. Refer to the Lowest Rated Photographs before submitting blurry photos of your cat, dog, kid or stuffed animal collection. Nobody loves these subjects the same way you do. If you see anything resembling your potential entry in the Lowest Rated Photographs, you might want to rethink your submission.
11. Some people vote 1 and don’t comment. It’s a fact of life. Search the infinite previous threads on this topic before starting a new one. If they do this too much they are considered “Trolls”. Think twice before calling yourself out by starting a thread complaining about how you voted 1 on a bunch of images and now your votes have disappeared. Your votes will be erased because you are a “Troll”.
12. On the flip-side, it’s perfectly fine to hand out lots of 10 votes. Nobody complains about receiving too many 10s.
13. Get whichever DSLR you like. If you’re bored, you may start a thread entitled “Canon or Nikon?” to stimulate conversation and stir up some rivalry. In the end, you’ll be more confused than ever, and eventually decide to buy whichever DSLR you like. By the way…there are other DSLRs besides Canon and Nikon.
14. When you get your DSLR, read the manual. The photographers on this site, who know how to use your camera, are too busy using their own to reiterate what is written in that little book that came with yours.
15. For God’s Sake…run your posts and challenge entries through Spell Check.
16. You are not really cool until you start talking about “glass” instead of camera bodies. Whatever you do, do not refer to your glass as a “lense”. There is such a word, but so many of the forum posters and lurkers have been brought up on "Americentric English", which is ignorant to both the origins of the language as well as insistent that everyone do it their own "American Way". That expensive thing on the front of your camera is properly called a “lens” or "lense" depending on which dictionary you use (lenses for plural), however, the accepted norm is "lens". If you don’t believe it, run it through Spell Check or look it up on google.com. If you do use it, expect to get shot down in flames by the DPC forum Grammar Police. *Amended by eschelar.
17. DPC voters are a bunch of robots who always vote for the same kind of images. No one has been able to effectively define these images, but rest assured they are not the kind you are inclined to submit. Feel free to start a thread entitled “What did I do wrong?” or “Why did this score so low?”. You will get a variety of responses; most of which will tactfully explain why your image sucks and at least one of which will rudely explain why your image sucks. On a good day, you might get one from someone who believes that you are a true, albeit misunderstood, artist. Or you can save yourself some time by reading past threads on this subject and studying the previous ribbon winners to learn what makes a well received DPC photograph.
18. Don’t post your challenge entry in a thread before or during a challenge.
19. Don’t post “outtakes” of your challenge entry in a thread.
20. Whining about how poorly your shot is doing won’t help your score.
21. Read and understand the Challenge Rules before submitting.
22. Steer clear of hardware discussions. These people are too smart for words; and all that technical stuff will just confuse you. It’s better to spend your time reading your manual and learning about shutter speed and ISO and stuff like that.
23. It's a bad idea to discuss anything paranormal or spiritual. There are some people, here, who have already tapped into all of the universe’s secrets; and they will shame you with their infinite wisdom.
24. Be careful not to let your DPC obsession cause you to neglect your family; and if you are single, don’t forget to make time for alcohol and porn.
25. If you don’t like a comment you've received, do not call out the commenter in a thread. Submit a ticket to SC and wait for them to handle it. There are all kinds of people here ranging from nice, honest people to complete jerks, to those who don’t even speak English. If you don’t believe it, search the archives for threads complaining about comments people didn’t like.
26. You can “Request a Critique” when you submit an entry, but don’t expect to get one. The Critique Club is already inundated with requests; and they have a life, too.
27. The same subjects show up in every Challenge. Some of these include cats, dogs, babies, stuffed animals, wine glasses, fish, fish in wine glasses, dice, golf balls, sunsets, candles, smoke, eggs, barnyard animals, chess sets, zoo animals, fruit, vegetables, insects, water droplets, birds, woodies, rubber duckies, flowers, cars and naked women. All of these subjects have been overdone and will only score well if the photographer is an artistic genius. (Except naked women; they always do pretty well.) The only things that have been overdone more than these subjects are threads complaining about how overdone these subjects are. Resist the temptation.
28. The reason no one commented on your entry is because your shot is either so bad, that they have been rendered speechless, or so mediocre that they skipped past it as quickly as possible. Instead of starting a thread complaining about this, spend that time commenting on other people’s entries or learning how to use your camera.
29. Before you start a thread asking “What is this…?” type "google.com" into your address bar and use that search engine to find out what it is for yourself. That’s what everybody else does whenever someone starts a thread asking “What is this?”.
30. Calibrate your monitor.
31. If you don’t know how to calibrate your monitor, type "google.com" into your address bar and search for how to calibrate your monitor.
32. Nobody wants to see pictures of your feet!
33. Somebody might want to see pictures of your eyeball, but please use some Visine first!
34. Everybody wants to see naked pictures of a model you found on Myspace.
35. Try not to start multiple threads about the same subject. One will get locked and the other will get mocked.
36. Feel free to get drunk and post in the forums. Just don’t be surprised to wake up the next morning and find yourself in the Rant section.
37. In photography, noise is quiet; but it will hurt your image. Read about ISO and shutter speed before starting a thread asking “What is noise?”
38. Stock photography is either for shameless hacks or prolific photographers who seem make a lot of money with their stock images. Yes, you can do well with stock photography, but not by taking photos of your cat or your feet. If you want to know anything about stock photography, search the infinite past threads on this subject.
39. Alien bees are neither aliens nor bees. They are lights and you probably can’t afford them. Besides, desk lamps will do just fine until you learn how to use your camera.
40. DNMC stands for “Does Not Meet Challenge”. There will always be a thread about each challenge analyzing the challenge description and predicting how many people will try to shoehorn a photo of their cat or baby. There will also be a few threads complaining about how they got a DNMC comment when their shot was clearly within the challenge guidelines. If you don’t have a job or a family, this might be an interesting way to kill some time.
41. Those things that look like dustbunnies in your pictures are probably "Sensor Dust". Yes, you can clean your own sensor. You’ll either be really satisfied or really sorry. Don’t bother to start a thread about this; the only right way to do it is the The Copperhill Method .
42. If you must send your camera in for repairs, don’t bother to start a thread complaining about how long they’ve had it. Just write it off on your income taxes and find a cheaper hobby, such as collecting diamonds.
43. Don’t start a thread complaining about how you left your DSLR in your car and it got stolen. Although it seems to happen once a month, there never seems to be a shortage of people who are willing to take this risk. Make sure your camera is insured by your homeowner’s or renter’s policy. If you insist on getting your camera stolen, please don't torture us with the details of how you left it on your backseat in the mall parking lot.
44. Some people are perpetually rude and/or offended. These sourpusses have no ability to recognize humor or sarcasm in a thread. Unless you are dead serious, punctuate your posts with lots of smiley and winkey faces. No matter how innocently a thread starts, there is bound to be someone looking to get their drawers in a wad. If you are one of these people; please don’t read this post;)
Message edited by author 2006-04-07 21:39:34. |
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04/07/2006 12:43:51 AM · #2 |
:-) :-) :-)
hehehehehehehehe
absolutely love it! |
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04/07/2006 12:49:14 AM · #3 |
This can be considered a literary MASTERPIECE!! Well done!!
Fun too!! |
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04/07/2006 12:58:01 AM · #4 |
I know you directed a couple of those rules right at me...How dare you...I am leaving DPC, like 100's of others have done in the past, but I am for real...I am gone...don't try and stop me............................................................................................................................................................SERIOUSLY!!................................................ok FINE I won't go, by the way I actually like the post and the incredible amount of work it took to do it....now I am leaving.
Clint
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04/07/2006 01:02:36 AM · #5 |
| 45. If it's too tall, hit f11 |
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04/07/2006 01:05:10 AM · #6 |
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04/07/2006 01:08:28 AM · #7 |
| GENIUS! This should be required reading for every newbie. 10! |
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04/07/2006 01:08:30 AM · #8 |
I can finally reply - I was laughing so hard that I couldn't type!
OH SO WELL DONE!
Humorous AND informative. |
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04/07/2006 01:13:13 AM · #9 |
Perfecto! Can I have we tatooed to each new member? Oooooooh I didn't mean that! (much)
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04/07/2006 01:24:40 AM · #10 |
| This is was great to read! I had that 90s graduation (or early 2000) song playing in my head while I read it (the song where the guy gives his commencement speech over the music, and some girl sings at the end, can't remember the name). Someone make an MP3. :) |
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04/07/2006 01:36:15 AM · #11 |
| This is a good read. And an MP3 would be excellent (can't remember the name either, but I know exactly which one Langdon's talking about). |
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04/07/2006 01:45:02 AM · #12 |
Shoo, after this there aren't a lot of things to talk about is there?
:) |
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04/07/2006 01:45:50 AM · #13 |
| That music wouldn't be Pomp and Circumstance would it? |
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04/07/2006 01:53:05 AM · #14 |
Everybody's Free (to wear sunscreen) by Baz Lurhman
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04/07/2006 02:10:19 AM · #15 |
I love this! Well done!!
:-) |
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04/07/2006 02:24:57 AM · #16 |
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04/07/2006 02:41:29 AM · #17 |
| I'm printing this out so I'll always have it. This is great, thanks for writing and posting it! :) |
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04/07/2006 02:44:49 AM · #18 |
| Appendix: Before you start a thread complaining about how lame the Forum Search feature is, please search the forums for one of the many existing threads on the subject. |
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04/07/2006 02:47:03 AM · #19 |
Fantastic job! I bow to a master (or is that mistress?) of the language!
Robt.
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04/07/2006 02:56:42 AM · #20 |
Funny...and yet true to the core :)
Great Job!
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04/07/2006 02:59:00 AM · #21 |
Too bad that most noobs won't appreciate this as much as the rest of us do XD
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04/07/2006 03:23:38 AM · #22 |
| I needed this when I first joined! Fantastic! |
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04/07/2006 03:36:41 AM · #23 |
Absolutely brilliant a great read , very clever :)
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04/07/2006 04:48:11 AM · #24 |
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04/07/2006 06:57:09 AM · #25 |
Definitely should be a sticky... BTW, just how much time do you have on your hands, LOL
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